Kristanez, I very much admire the gentle and diplomatic way you chose to respond to Aussie Aussie. Unfortunately, my feathers get quite ruffled when I am told that I belong in the pink box playing Barbie gets married because that is what girls do.
One thing that is not clear to me is what exactly your situation is. Are you both from the same country now living here or is one of you Swiss? This makes a difference, I think, especially when it comes to the main piece of advice being given: communication. My husband is Swiss. When we came back here, I made some typical missteps which, at first, he did not understand at all. Fortunately, we had both lived for over a year in Argentina, so we had a common reference point for cultural differences and problems. I could then explain what had happened in terms of a cultural problem we’d had in Argentina. This was important because he didn’t always see that it was a cultural issue. His first reaction, for example, to me not shaking hands, looking the person in the eyes and saying their name, was emotional, not intellectual. Talking about it helped him understand to a certain extent. It is like when foreigners use “Du” instead of “Sie”: the person understands intellectually that German is a difficult language and this is a language problem but the first reaction will not be intellectual but emotional.
We invest money in other education areas but not in
learning about marriage. Having a successful marriage
requires qualities that can be learned.
Marriage makes a lot of sense: "together we are strong"
is the saying. And because life is not always a piece of
cake, we are better in it with a good partner.
I took an issue with this particular sentence of yours:
The we in that sentence does not cover me or my family and friends in Poland. There are people who still hold these views and they are very vocal, but such generalizations are unfair, wouldn't you say?
I worked in 2 big Montessori preschools in Ireland with toddlers and most of moms were around their 40's. To be honest I was surprised, for a while Often it was their first child which in Poland would be considered late and it is a fact. I'm not judging just saying...
We are talking about communication, habits but also cultural and gender differences that influence our relationship - Did I say anything about stereotypes? Maybe, but I don't take it too seriously. I don't need them as I am inside the action. I see similarities and differences and learn from it but I think some of them are funny and as long as they are not hurtful or completely untrue I don't mind them
I also said many other things and wouldn't take this topic (stereotypes) further than that. I totally agree with everything that has been said in this thread. I said it surprises me how much we bring from our family homes into our relationships and mentioned 'Polska Tesciowa' as it can be a huge problem for many in my home country. Somehow American mothers-in-law are more relaxed and causing less problems... Any ideas why?
After all, not so open minded mothers can still bring up 'great, open minded people', really.
The stock character of the interfering mother-in-law, parodied in Everybody Loves Raymond , is not unique for Poland.
I have a couple of German monster-in-laws (mine and of friends of mine) to prove it's not the fault of the Polish!
Marriage counselors just soak up the vibe in the room and play it back at a different speed. Their opinions won't change the way your heart or soul feels about the other person. At best you'll feel appeased, at worst resentful. If the counselor is a woman, the guy will try and schmooze her over to his point of view, vice versa and the woman will no doubt perform the "Doe eye" routine.
They were trying to brain wash me against birth control, that I absolutely MUST get children as soon as possible, that a fight is an absolute NO-NO (if the guy is smouldering you, you just take it as a woman and don't complain) and that sex is something very important but you shouldn't talk about it.
I managed to shock a group of 10 extremely catholic couples that I don't intend to have children and that I was not put on earth to breed like a rabbit. So stamp my "I WAS HERE" diploma and let me out. By the time they started singing at dinner, I was about to pack my stuff and jump out of the window. I'd have converted to anything just to get out.
I went to church marrige camp and barely made out alive... One thing is for certain: it made me and OH much closer because we stood together against the horror of sect brainwashing.
Brrrrrrr... *nightmares*
I know I never said it doesn't happen elsewhere . Sometimes I think the lady from "Everybody loves Raymond" is not too bad
You always raise your son for another woman. It's good to remember that. How can one be so selfish?
Actually having a horrible mother, and as a result, a horrible mother-in-law, can spice up the marriage...
IT'S US OR HER! TAKE UP THE CANNONS, HUSBAND! WE GOING TO REVENGE THE POLISH! UNITED WE STAND!
If it works, it's a heck of a lot cheaper and much easier than a divorce.
However, counselling only works when both partners truly want the marriage to work and are willing to compromise. It's definitely worth a try but as Assassin mentioned, the chances of saving the marriage are against you.
Despite the high "failure" rate, I'm still all for counselling. It's quite an insightful journey.
protecting your marriage from anything is nearly impossible, there are tons of variables that happen in life and can change us all, and relationships in general. for us it's not so much about protecting what we have for what may happen, rather just trying to make the most of the time (however little it may be sometimes!) we have together each day.
Many couples succumb to the lethargy of the ordinary. Should the strain of the extra-ordinary come along (special needs child, loss of employment, changing country etc) then it will become a make or break situation.
When all is said and done, if there is love, forgiveness, understanding, compassion and any remanents of attraction, it usually is for the long haul.
Hell, before marriage, you haven't even been barfed on yet by a burping baby or changed the nappies of a toddler who had too much spinach, or fought pregnancy pounds or a receding hair-line and ordered your bi-focals and heard about the fabulous young new hottie who has just been hired or the dashing director who has invited her out to lunch, and you need marriage counseling ?
If one even thinks they're going to have existential problems, skip the whole deal.. why walk down the aisle ?
As for religious mariage counseling, if I hear one more time in my life about the wonders of a truly good marriage because it's made up of two christians, I shall gag.
Opposites may attract but it's the common bond that keeps people glued happily together.