When she was born she literally knocked us sideways and the first months as a family were really very very tough for us, both individually and as a couple.
We have slowly recovered now and the question comes about whether or not we should have another baby... we talked it before and answer was always no, because we were barely able to cope with one but now we are wondering
As a background, both of us always wanted a big family with 4 children... but we now realized we are not the right people for this...
However, having an only child is something we do not really want... but we are also so scared of not being able to cope with a 2nd one...
If all goes well the 2 would be about 2.5 yrs apart... would this be a good age gap?
Has anyone gone through similar and what are the thoughts?
i think its a try and see situation , just like childcare , noone has the ultimate answerand every family is so different.
i come from a line of two about 10 years apart and get on famously with my brother , but my cousins a couple of years apart cant stand each other.
cost is another thing , having them close together saves buying things twice over, otherwise its either wear the fashion of yesteryear or buy all over again.
EVERY parent from what I can see doubts their abilities after their first baby!! it's normal...up until then you could do what you wanted when you wanted and then you have this bundle of joy in your life which pretty much for the first few months poops,crys and constantly needs attention!!
and now not only do you have to make time for your baby but for your significant other and friends and family and house keeping :O
that can put a strain even on Mary Poppins!
but if you think you want to have another baby just keep talking about it!! it may be easier second time!! you will have learned from the first time!! maybe talk about why you personally felt strain the first time and then let him tell you how he felt!! maybe the two of you just need to find a level ground!
but do think long and hard before you make a decision
also yes that would be a nice age gap!! I see from the kids I have that anything more tends to have further complications....jealousy being a big one!! it's great to have a new brother or sister but when mommy and daddy and EVERYONE else gives this little thing so much attention (without meaning to) other baby can get very upset!!
but it's also great to be the bigger brother or sister...they enjoy the nice things people say about being the boss and teaching the new baby things and keeping it safe
A second child increases the "work" by about 50%. Our third made little difference. The first child you treat like their made of cut-glass. By the time you get to the third, you know they bounce. I'd regard no specific age gap as "good". My son is 4 years older than my elder daughter, who is 2 years older than my youngest. The interact together in different ways. We firmly discourage any sibling rivalry. With two kids the interactions are fairly predictable, but not as much fun.
Usually (there are exceptions to this!) it IS easier second time round. Routine helps a lot. On the other hand, you haven't just got a 'perhaps easier to cope with' second child but a first one too who may well be jealous of the attention given to the sibling.
One of the biggest advantages that I noticed with ours, was that if ever Mummy or Daddy had a bad day, the children would go off and discuss how unfair the world was - not how Mummy or Daddy didn't love them any more. They took it less personally.
I'm not saying this compensates for the extra work and worry, but it was a very useful bit of serendipity for me.
If you got one then it does not make a big difference if you get another baby and think later about having more.
But what do you mean with not coping and being oversrained? This is the main point and has to be assesed very carefull becuse it is important for al of you, there are plenty of tragedys because of developing a birth and baby depression.
I think the stress of having another child is very subjective and I'd be careful of believing anyone who says it makes little difference. As a man it didn't make much difference to me but I think my wife may have though differently. Or children are about 2.5 years apart which I find pretty ideal.
I am in this kind of mind right now. I would love my daughter to have a sibling but I don't think I can cope with the work.
First, I have no interrest to be pregnant again, and I don't want to go back to the beginning with the feeding and sleeping deprivation. I am so glad my daughter is a toddler and not a baby anymore.
I don't think it is just 50% of the work. She is a full time work now, and having a baby is also full time work. Ok, you don't have the stress of the first time, but you still have to take care of the first one as much as when alone and you have to deal with a new born. And they grow up and fights... etc.
This is what I am thinking about right now, so honestly, I love my daughter to death, she is the best thing happenned in my life and I thank God everyday for the luck I have to have her. But I am very happy with only her. I don't want to have an other baby JUST to be sure she is not alone. It will be wrong.
With hindsight, it was several things that went "wrong":
- We had a super easy pregnancy and somehow convinced ourselves that since the pregnancy hardly affected our lives, the baby would also easily slip into it
- I for sure had some kind of depressive state, not helped by the fact that baby was born in October, so dark and wet days for the first months
- Being both successfull managers, we found it hard that the baby would not "do as told" (Exaggerating here ot make the point- I found it so tough that I would do as the book told and the baby would not play its part)
- Baby had mild health issues which made her quite a cry baby for the first 4 months
- Baby developed flat head syndrome so long and time consuiming treatements were required (plus of course stress and worry for us)
- Breastfeeing went wrong (with guilt and stress associated)
Net, the first 6 months for us were really really hellish... sorry to use such strong words but it is really how it felt.
I kept on wondering what I had gotten myself into and how to magically go back to our old comfy life.
Luckily, this is no longer the case and we have found a nice healthy family balance, we are happy with our baby and no longer live that way. That is also why we are asking ourselves now.
We know lots of the "mistakes" we did can be avoided, but we are also highly aware of how much having another child could potentially knock us sideways again... I guess it is fear of those first 6 months again and how hard they could be...
With number 1 everything's new, with number 2 50% is new, with number 3 you know what you're doing! Have 3!
Re. clothing. My boys were born 4 years apart, but on the almost the same day of the year. But, I couldn't use the older one's clothes for the younger one, because the boys are different sizes at the same age, and Switzerland is seasonal. The older son's winter clothes fit the younger son in summer, winter boots the same. So we had to get a lot of things over again, regardless. This aspect should not effect your planning, IMO.
As an expat without a family locally to help; I concur with your concerns about having more then one child being a challenge to say the least, we made that decision, and having waited a little longer then you now have two kids.
For me the key questions you need to ask yourself on this are things like? What sort of support network do you have should looking after two prove too much of a challenge at times? Do you you have family/close friends near by who can help? Can you afford to pay for an additional pair of hands if not? Do you have space? Do you feel comfortable with the idea? How independent is your youngest today, how will they cope with a sibling at this point, do they want one?
As with almost all things in life there is rarely a single reasons for or against a decision, simply different shades of grey to that choice.
It's funny I was only just discussing this with my mum last night.
I have 2 beautiful boys & they were born 21 months apart. When I was pregnant the first time round I heard all the usual horror stories of how this baby was going to change my life, all the things that would have to stop etc. When he arrived I wondered what people had been talking about - he was a dream baby and we didn't stop anything, we would go out for dinner & take him along in his car seat when he was very small - he slept & was non the wiser.
Needless to say it was such a breeze I was lulled into a false sense of security and when no.2 arrived OMG we had a shock. It was definitely not the same experience.
They are now 5 & almost 7 so my conclusions looking back... IMO it has nothing to do with 1st child or 2nd child it is personality & health (i.e. colic for baby or PND for mum ) that dictates the experience you have.
I also think the age gap can make things easier or harder. With 21 months between them, some things were made harder at certain times of the day. My eldest was too young to understand that I couldn't get his meal immediately because I was feeding baby & things like that.
I have to say however I have been broody since my second was born and I have only just convinced my hubby that a 3rd would be manageable. Fingers crossed one may arrive while we are in Switzerland on our 2 year expat experience. That would be a nice souvenir to bring home :-)
I can totally relate to this. I also had a very easy first pregnancy and also expected the baby to 'fit in'. Instead, we went through a living hell with a colicky, unsettled baby that cried all the time and did not sleep through the night until pre-school; she also had some health issues -- sleep apnea; and I had all imaginable breastfeeding problems.
We decided to have a second child before we even realised how hard these first years would be -- my daughter was less than a year old when I got pregnant again. And with the second baby a whole host of new issues emerged: when my daughter had a rare good night, my son would keep us awake all night; she was intensely jealous; they tended to take turns at getting grumpy and sick to make sure that we never had any rest.
If I had had the knowledge at the time of how difficult those first years would be, I would have not had another child. We also know, with a 100% certainty, that we will not have a third.
But that's the whole point -- I think that, unlike me, you are not exactly sure. And this is why I think you should probably have a second. In spite of all the difficulties, I am glad that I have two. The more I think of it, the more I find that our second child was a godsend. My son is a very different child. Once he got through the difficult first year into toddlerhood, he in many ways re-energised our family. Most things that I found very difficult the first time, the second time, with him, just happened. It was he that made me feel that I finally did something right.
Can't leave your firstborn on their own for their life they need a sibling. It is unfair to have just one child as they may have friends but they need someone closer.