I'm not sure that a conscious withdraw of 'privileges' is really needed. I am sure that with the emotional turmoil going on, the last thing that the OP is thinking about is sex.
What is needed is an understanding of the action and their causes and why your husband sought the need to go elsewhere. Men can be emotionally detached (so can woman, ask my house mate) when it comes to 'sex' but this in no way excuses what he has done, he ultimately broke the most important part of any relationship, that of trust.
Sit down quietly with him and just talk. Not about the specific instances of adultery but about what he likes about you and you him. Whilst you have a beautiful child this is not enough in it self to satisfy your relationship, you both need more than this to be truly happy.
If either party is unwilling to communicate then it will become increasingly difficult to resolve your conflict. Take a deep breathe and be brave, don't get mad but say how you felt before you found out and say how you feel now.
I just joined yesterday for just the reason you mentioned - that there is so much humanity here. I've been lurking off and on for a couple of years because so many 'smart alec' comments put me off until I saw some real cries for help and the wonderful responses.
I just wanted to say (bacause you said 'should') that you have to do what you feel is right without putting ANY pressure on yourself to do what you think is the 'right' behaviour. Some women forgive the most abusive behaviour, that doesn't mean we all should. (When I had a Caesarian and had to ask one midwife for pain relief she was surprised and told me she knew one mother who was up and painting her toenails the day after hers - so should that be the same for me?!) I know I couldn't forgive but clearly many women do and feel they have made the right decision. It's your life and your future. Trust your instinct and go easy on yourself - for however long is necessary. We don't know the reasons or the strength of feelings either of you have. I really wish you all the best and hope it works out for all three of you.
I do find it sad that silly stereotypes are dragged out here. That old cliche about women taking men to the cleaners - in this day and age women still don't get equal pay and when marriages end quite often the woman is in real trouble. Of course we hear extreme cases in the news but that doesn't mean all women are like that. Bear in mind too when couples break up, they don't make the best character witnesses for their ex so the personal stories you might hear may not be reliable either.
I have a theory on this. If someone like Angelina Jolie were to seduce me ( yeah ) in a private setting, it would be extremely difficult to resist. So I agree with the point. I believe the trick is to not be in a private setting with a person like Angelina. There are like a few steps to a sxual encounter and if we try to avoid these, it lowers the probability of an encounter substantially. But Never ever do I think that the probability of a possible extra-marital encounter is zero. But we could ensure it stays the lowest for every possible scenario we encounter in our everyday lives.
Probably it has already been said before, but I can't stress enough that you need to make sure you are amongst people who truly care for you. Family, friends, people you can reach out to share your pain and collect strength from. Spend some time with them, here or abroad. Let them help you to discover what's really important for you and what path you should take. Don't let them make those decisions for you, but by openly sharing and discussing with people who really know you (not just a internet forum) will surely help you to create a better picture.
Taking some time off from your hubbie is probably not a bad idea either. While you sorting out your feelings, it wouldn't hurt to let him "simmer" in some uncertainty, before you start working out things with him.
Wishing you best of luck, whatever the decision you take.
Gee... reading threads like this really makes a girl not wanting to get married
Listen, I live in Basel, I'm probably the worst relationship adviser in the world, but I am a good listener, I have gone through this loneliness phase since I moved here and I can put myself in your shoes.
Feel free to PM me if you want to go out for a chat.
I have read a few people recommending the OP confide in her family and friends. I think this can be helpful, of course, but you really need to decide carefully who to tell.
If you eventually decide to forgive and try and repair your relationship, those people you confided in will never forget what your husband did. The fact that they know will always hang over you and will probably be brought back up everytime you hit an inevitable bump in the relationship.
Just because you may be able to get past what he did and move on does not mean those who love you most in the world can be as forgiving. You know your family better than anyone and you need to decide if they will respect your decision about the relationship...no matter what that decision is.
(If something like this happened to me, I know for a fact my mother would not be able to stay out of it. She would be 100% behind me and want to support me but at the same time she'd be on the phone giving him a piece of her mind and she would never totally accept it if I decided to forgive and move on.)
Stand in front of the mirror, take a good look at yourself and say, "I love myself" three times. It helps.
Feeling like you're not respected or not appreciated is a blow to anyone's self-esteem. What he did is NOT a reflection of you. It is a reflection of himself. He hurt you in the worst way. You have every right to be sad, angry and hurt. And to question the future.
Love is one thing but trust is another. It's hard to love someone and not trust them. It takes a long time to build that trust back up and you'll find yourself doubting some of his words and questioning his actions. It's a hard road to continue on but not impossible.
Friends and family can sometimes be a huge help in this situation. You will find, though, that some of the people who you thought would and could support you are overwhelmed with the situation or will judge both you and him. On the other hand, you will find people who can offer the most comforting words and heart-filled support. It's all part of the journey that you are on.
Being a mother and a wife far away from your friends and family is difficult enough. It's much harder in your situation. Time is on your side right now. Use this time to grieve and find yourself again. Be good to yourself. And it's OK to still love your husband as long as you love yourself more.
Lots of excellent advice here. My mother, who I thought would support me, did the exact opposite. I have learned never to go to her for emotional support again but I still keep in touch with her regularly. There are just some people who do not have the skills to help others in such an emotional situation.
As we grow older, our baggage gets bigger. Sickness, job loss, marital problems, relocation, lifestyle, etc., all these factors become a part of each individual. Some people will never forget that your husband cheated but most people will put it behind them if they see you are happy again. Remember, these people have their own baggage too.
Love can be the most wonderful feeling. It can also hurt you more than anything else. Is it worth it in the end? I think so as long as you still love yourself and keep your self-esteem.
And even if you decide to leave him, he will always be the father of your child. For the child's sake alone, you do not need the entire family commenting on his/her father's faults and moral failings.
Apart from my husband, I have two friends that know everything about my life, warts and all. I have known one my entire life, and the other for over a decade. From experience I know they are non-judgemental and don't make my stuff all about them. Hopefully, I do the same for them.
To the OP, I know you have made this post under an alias and I just want to let you know if you're reading this under another name that I have sent you a PM.
Thinking about your situation a little more, depending on what kind of relationship you have with your in-laws, perhaps talking with them about it could help. They love their son and would, I presume want to see his marriage succeed.
They could give him just the kind of kick up the pants he needs.
I'm a very good-looking man, I am not in my twenties to say the least but....I am often the subject of attention from both sexes. The other day I was talking to a friend of a friend (female 23!) & she offered it on a plate, I actually (for a change) thought she was the bee's knees & had everything a man could want (including her personality), she knew I was married. I turned away from the temptation, not only would I be cheating on my wife but my children too, in fact everyone who has ever done good things for my family especially when we had it tough.
I would not have been able to live with the guilt & the way I see it is simple, he is an arse hole (or at least has acted like one) so make him grovel for you.....you do not deserve this whichever way you look at it!!!
Marriage for me was the best thing that everr happened to me and same for having kids. If it was not for meeting my wife, I would probably be working in an illegal gambling operation or prop shop and kicked out of university. Up to this day I am grateful for it and her.
Sometimes things don't work out, but if it does, it is fabulous. Shouldn't let these odd cases affect your idealistic notions.
OP: The thing you need to decide is "What do you want?" .. You've mentioned hes a good father and prolly a good husband too (apart from the cheating aspect)
If you want to forgive him and stay with him for his good qualities, do so, but do confront him, infact NAG him
If you prefer the fairytale version, staying with True Love for ever and after, then do accordingly.
But I would say, Men should be castrated after marriage and few kids or sent to join a Monastery