From my own experience, even the brightest, most intelligent men can be rather insecure and require some reassurances before they make hefty emotional commitments. My advice would be to try and get him to open up and talk about his real underlying fears. As this is the only way to find a reasonable solution, that you can both live with.
Is he a 'thinker' or a 'feeler' if the former appeal to his logic, talk about time pressures, golden opportunities, benefits. If he is a 'feeler' ask him to describe how the thought of being a father makes him feel.
It might be insightful for you to know his real point of view. My question is why he feels he cannot be honest about this topic? Why he has a barrier there, thats what you really need to know, for without it, you will never succeed in finding a way around it, suitable for both of you.
Real idealistic. Of course both the rich and poor can afford to have children. Its the extent of the sacrifices they want to make as well as their beliefs growing up.
My dad has 8 siblings and it was a noisy, crowded and warm family but he never had much to himself. Everything (clothes, toys, school books) was passed down or shared between all the siblings. Hence he told me once that he promised himself that he will never ever have a child till he was successful enough or at least comfortable in providing for his child. That of course begets the question "when is enough enough?"
I was an accident. My parents didnt plan for me and for the first few years of my life, they struggled. I was placed in the care of my nan, only going home during the weekends, whilst my parents slogged their guts out. It was only when I was 7 that my mum got pregnant with my sister and became a stay at home mum because the financial situation was much better.
To say that someone not willing to have a kid just because they dont want might be true for some, but not all.
You gave up your job like so many of us to come here. It is not easy to find another, and here it is not that easy to work with school-going kids either!
Time to talk serious. Money is never the main issue when it comes to starting a family, on his salary and your part -time work it never could be the issue. But time love and health always are.
Now could be the perfect time to start, or consider the possibility that there never will be a right time with your partner. if you are sure you want a family you should talk very seriously. Give an ultimatum if you must- I did -and now my hubby is a seriously happy father.
You exclude that money is the issue and that he simply doesn't want to have a child. Are you sure?
Might I ask you a very personal question? why do you live in a one bedroom flat with a salary of 125K? do you have debts? are you saving up?
Sorry to ask, and you don't need to answer, but that salary should allow you to live in a much bigger flat considering that we are in Switzerland, even without having a kid, so I don't see why your partner should be worried about renting a bigger flat in the case.
I understand what you are saying about encouraging him to open up about his reasons.
I have tried this many, many, many times. But to no avail. He does not shift from the same point. In fact, he often simply refuses to discuss the issue any further and will accuse me of being 'repetitive' if i persist.
He is definitely not a 'feeler' but then again, nor is he really a 'thinker' either. I sense that on difficult issues generally, he tends to become quite rigid, adopt a certain stance and not shift from it. It is then impossible to try to talk rationally with him about it.
Of course, he is likely to say this isn't the case
Anyway, i do appreciate your input, and the input of everyone else who has contributed.
No Annas, i am not 100% sure that money is definitely not the issue.
My point is that 'being comfortable' is a very subjective state of being. So while i feel that we are financially secure enough to start a family, my partner does not.
We live in a 1 bedroom apartment because there is just 2 of us. We have no need for any larger space. The apartment is brand new, comfortable and we love it here. Why would we spend money on a larger apartment that we don't need?
If we were to start a family, then yes, we would need to move to a larger apartment. You say that you don't see why my partner should be worried about renting a bigger flat? Precisely, neither do i.
Here's radical.... maybe he just doesnt' want kids, in the same way you just do. In post #22 you said:
Maybe he doesn't want kids and is in the same position?
You have said that conversations have been had repatedly he's give a myriad of reasons on numerous occassion, and they are always negative. Maybe you have had the answer all along and just don't want to face the reality, that he and you differ on the family front, and your friend who said "what are you going to do" had it pegged.
I was just trying to understand to what extent money were the issue..
but as she says, and you say, the fact of living in a small apartment is just a question of needing no more space - some other people might do it for other reasons and some other people might have different needs..
it was also in perspective of the fact that he seems not keen of moving to a bigger place..
You sound like you are trying everything and please believe me when I say I sympatise with your postion on the wanting to start a family front, I'm just an old fart who thinks that that is a private thing.
Diverging a bit from the main thread I think that it's much better to work and spend the whole earnings on Kinderkrippes/nannys and develop yourself professionally than "rot" at home.
Now, first I would like to mention that I am as feminist and career-oriented as it gets , but I wouldn't call taking care of your 3 month old baby rotting at home. Of course, I am from a country where parental leave is 3 years, not 3 months and it is not really socially acceptable to put such tiny children, who do not yet really care much about social interaction with other kids, into daycare.
However, the point of the post was not to encourage all women to stay at home for ever after having kids as it would not in some cases be too profitable to work due to the child care cost. Point I wanted to make was that if according to the guy he is worried about money and thinks that Kimba should find a job first, then he should also consider that from purely financial standpoint, they might not necessarily be better off if she does and they have kids after this.
Comparing extremely limited number of cases I am aware of, I dare to say that I wouldn't like to live in a society of children raised by a not working parent.
My husband reminded me that it isn't just my salary and kinderkrippe fees during the beginning of our kid's lives I should look at but my potential earnings for the next 20 working years (at least). My mother stopped working when the second baby was born, and found it difficult to get back into the workforce. She was hard working and did whatever job she could do for us to survive when my parents separated.
My son would never have learned the local language or had the contact with other kids at home and I would have been driven nuts if I stayed at home 100%.
I just wanted to contribute that as the OP is only 34 there is still time to have a baby! There is such a thing as 'genetic age' to be considered as well as your actual age. My children were both born in my 40s. I just had the screenings done and they are both healthy. The only problem is having the energy to keep up with them!
Hm-Hmm. Don't be scared of admitting that to yourself, but beware the answer. Don't be so sure you'll find Mr Right around the corner, either. Babies aren't lifestyle choices and neither is a loving man in your life. I don't mean to rattle your cage, but don't have romantic delusions of Motherhood. It's a lot of sht and pss, too. On a positive note, a pretty good argument in favour of reproduction is it's inherently human aspect. Our whole system is geared towards knocking out a batch.
Perhaps we should follow the lions and have a pride. Shame society frowns upon it. There are loads of Beta Males who could look after my future sprogs, while I go out gallantin'