Trailing spouse many times over now but first time without a job and the economic independence. it did strain the relationship in the initial months. thought it was a joint decision to make the move, somehow i felt i didnt get a fair deal - i got an offer (almost) the first month here and we decided not to take it up because it still required me to work in england and only 'visit' here on the weekends. now when i look back, i feel it was better than no job and the independence i enjoy/enjoyed.
Of late, my OH has started being conscious about it and does encourage me to do things that i like. but for me the things that i like can also be done with a full time job so its not really satisfying and i feel a part of me is incomplete. i just miss my other life with the language barrier and other reasons which i do not know, i am not hopeful that i'd every get employed here and it drains my energy to think what i am going to do with the rest of my life
there are days when i get so confused that i cant sleep. i cannot seem to decide which is better - to leave my OH and kid and continue working in England or try to find happiness somewhere in something and continue staying together as a family. all i hope is i dont say mean things to my OH and hurt him when i fully well know that this move was a joint decision and not forced upon me as i put it across to my OH when i really go mad
I think when you come to a foreign country and you don't know the language, you have kids, you're not earning money of your own and the rules on employment are so tight (if you're not from the EU)...well it's a potent mix. Throw in some loneliness and a whole new culture and it's a real struggle.
For me the turning point was when I finally was allowed (I had to get permission from the government, not from my husband ) to become self-employed. This really changed the way I felt about being here and really impacted in a very positive way on the whole family.
But in the first couple of years we were here, the best thing I ever did when I was search out others in a similar situation. That made all the difference and really helped me regain a sense of self-worth.
And now that I'm growing my own business and feel really quite settled I think it was all worth it. But there certainly were some hard times at the start...
I have been here coming on five years now as a non-working spouse. It has been incredibly difficult at times, but my husband and I have worked hard not to let it threaten our marriage.
First, I stopped using the term "trailing spouse" when someone pointed out to me that it seemed to say that I was dragged along here. I was not. My husband and I talked about it long and hard, and decided it was best for our family, as we have two children who, when we moved here, were only nine months and 4 years old.
Has it permanently affected my career? You bet. I had just finished a law degree, which in the States is post-undergraduate--meaning I have seven years of post-secondary education under my stay-at-home belt. My time here has certainly diminished my overall earning capacity, and only time will tell if I can actually be employed as a lawyer. I am a non-EU B-permit holder, meaning that I cannot be self-employed. I have applied for a C-permit, but I do not know whether I will receive it, as I do not know whether I can demonstrate being "integrated" enough.
When my circumstances bring me down and I start to have difficulty coping, I remind myself of how fortunate I am that I have the luxury of staying home, and in such an amazing place as Switzerland. I remind myself that this is not our forever home, and that our children will benefit from our time abroad for the rest of their lives. And when all else fails, I plan a weekend away, and eat ice cream at home.
yes, it's real team work and both should actively watch out for the warning signs and act accordingly
deciding together is part of the problem, though, isn't it? most women (including me) cannot say they are happy or fulfilled unless all family memebers are. I think men are more healthily capable of looking at where they are personally standing.
And honestly i dont think it worries me to think that i am not employed or do not have an income of my own - i think i can accept that. what worries me, rather what scares me to death is what is it that i am going to do with the rest of my life (unless of course we decide to move soon enough to an english speaking country)!! All i know was to do my job well, no other skills whatsoever and i have sleepless nights thinking what i will do with my life
Well I'm away for the next week, but pretty much anytime after that.
Where... well I live in Freienwil.
The ice cream mix is made by hand and churned in an electric self chilling ice cream maker.
Not calorie free but certainly can be made lower calorie, sugar substitute, low fat milk and cream .....
Flavours pretty much any flavour, from a plain chocolate to mint choc chip (tastes nothing like you get in the shops!!), sea salt butter caramel, sorbet's, sherbets and if you are feeling really adventurous candied bacon ice cream ... it is actually very good even though it sounds wrong
I am doing A1 german course. What is a swiss title? sorry didnt understand that. I did look at the option of doing another masters at ETH-Zurich and made my application but i just could not convince myself to do another masters
a bit off topic, but have you noticed that the only thing really missing in Zurich is a viable ice cream parlour?? my husband keeps suggesting I open one to keep me busy (and rich). I'm sure it would be a success. In Germany or Italy in a city this big you would have an ice cream parlour every couple of yards! I often pity the tourists here for not being able to indulge in a delicious and refreshing break.
I am not a trailing spouse but I had to make the exact same decision years ago when I was offered a good job abroad which meant seeing the kids only on weekends. It is tricky, if you decide against it you will always blame it on your family that they kept you from taking the chance; if you decide in favor of it you will always have a bad conscience and think you should be around more for your kids. In the end I did it and even though there were times of hardship and anger and you felt you should be with your kids instead of just talking on the phone it was worth it. What kind of a help would I have been for my kids if had ended up in a mental home? And I was certainly on my way...
sorry, I meant to get some sort of swiss job or specialisation title. I have the impression that there would be bigger acceptance if you have a job title to show that you are already in the system.
if I were younger I would do it, maybe even a specialisation in my one job. I've looked into it, but it is a too great financial and time investment for me now.
I wonder: How many (ahem ) trailing spouses were active partners in the decision to move, and how many found themselves adapting to a partner's career decision?
Have any of you ever decided not to follow a partner?
I'd probably groan myself for my typos. (vary ≠ very)
This has been a very challenging situation for us. I decided to go freelance back in 2000 when my daughter was one years old and we lived in a new place in the UK, so no friends.
The contract was in Germany and I was there for 4 years, even coming home to see my second daughter being born and being requested to return early. It was very hard for my wife who only had a husband 2 weekends a month.
This was 12 years ago and im still away, but now here in Switzerland. Ive worked in 7 countries in this time, but our relationship has flourished and got stronger and stronger.
The time I go home (most weekends), we are together all the time, even going to the beach in the rain. It makes you appreciate each other so much more.
I did however worry that we would drift apart and that I never had time with my children. That has not been the case but we have needed to remind ourselves and eachother that we HAVE to put the effort in.
Now kids are getting older we have so much more time. We have the best relationship I could ever want.
Forgot to mention, we decided she stay in UK as the contracts we get are 6 months rolling. I did not want to disturb the children, their friends and their schooling. Works for some I know but not for me.
My wife is and always has been a supporter of my career
You should seriously look into opening one! I'd wholeheartedly volunteer to help you with anything in the setting up process. It will be a great inspiration to many of us