Has being a trailing spouse threatened your relationship?

Daily Life, Swiss News and General Topics
1
I was recently speaking with a lady who I was friendly with who lived in Geneva for a few years and she was discussing the strain that she had being a trailing spouse and how ultimately it destroyed her career and nearly her marriage.

Although she loved Geneva she gave up a very good career to support her partner and spent time at home with the kids, as child care was pricey, but as he climbed up the corporate ladder she could not resume her career. She opened up about how she started to resent his success and how when she used to speak to old working friends and cry for hours after.

I was quite shocked that I did not realise this and although she is working now it is a very lowly job to what she had and she is adamant that moving to Switzerland was for her, a downward move.

So thinking of all the trailing spouses here - has any one felt the same or experienced a similar story?

2
A difficult one, this. I was a trailing spouse, a Swiss in the UK, with a OH's career taking every hour of the day (and night, and week-ends, and Christmases, etc)- and yes, I did resent it at times. Being 'stuck' at home having to bring up the kids more or less on my own- pots and pans, and neighbours like Stepford wives. I quietly counted the days, and years and months- and seized the first opportunity to make MY move. I went to Uni (in a foreign language) when our youngest started school - bl*****y hard work, but so exciting, and I never looked back. Nine years as a trailing wife was my max.

What did your friend do when the kids started school?

3
I am an atypical trailing spouse, in that I was the one to want the move. so now I am in the typically femal situation that husband and kids have profited from the move I wanted, whereas I have "lost" my economic independence. I am still at a stage in which I try to see it as a turning point for myself and as the possibility of improving professionally. sometimes, though, I get this niggling feeling that it is only a delusion and that I will live for my husband and kids from now on

MIXED FEELINGS, really

4
She could not get a job, so they all moved back to Worcester- we lost touch but it seems that he was then in a lower paid job and she could not get back into her position.

Lots of stress in the family but they have now turned a corner it seems.

5
I think also age plays a role.

is there a "best age" for a woman to start a new professional chapter, maybe in another job but not downgrading?

many trailing spouses are too old to start over with a training in a new job and too young to simply stay at home.

actually, come to think of, mayn are at the height of their experience and skills and with bigger kids things could start becoming interesting...

6
Is one ever too old? I am not sure- not in this day and age.

Not being smug - but you/one has/have to make your own destiny sometimes. When I went to Uni, aged 30 surrounded by 18 year olds - trying to juggle studying full time with raising kids, supporting OH in his career, and looking after our home, etc - people thought I was mad (and so did I at times) - but in the end I managed. Started with simple jobs, but quickly rose up that elusive ladder. Exhausted regularly - but it felt good too. Really not sure I'd have survived otherwise, being a permanent trailing wife would have driven me mad - and as such would have been a threat to our relationship and marriage, very possibly.

Sometimes the only way to go 'up' is to accept to go 'down', financially and professionally. Childcare cost me most of my early years salary- but it was worthwhile in the end- in so many ways, not just financial. One of our daughters also accepted to go down a few steps when returning from raising her two - and again, her salary was wiped out by the cost of a (properly qualified) nanny - but then was made a partner of her firm a year later - making up all the time, status and money very quickly.

7
Speaking from experience a trailing spouse is not necessarily female

From my point of view, my wife is the main bread winner, and I took the opportunity to step out of the rat race and work freelance, I'm lucky enough that my wife earns enough that I don't need to work so I can pick and choose the contracts that I take. The beauty of freelancing is that you tend to avoid the office politics.

8
I totally agree, it depends so much on what you are prepared to do and "accept".

I realise, though, that I've gone a bit off topic. actually the question was if a professionally unsatisfied trailing spouse is a latent threat to the stability of a marriage.

I think it can affect a marriage negatively, yes - unless the spouse (man or woman) is perfectly happy with staying at home (I call that work, too and all my respect for housewives or -husbands, I've done enough of that, too, so I know what I'm talking about)

9
Yes, many times, but we are still together

10
Im a trailing spouse as well (male) and have moved twice for my wife. We moved to Switzerland from NY and I was lucky to have a great boss who valued my work. As such he let me work from home and travel back and forwards. I did this for a year before he left. Another year with the new boss and i resigned (Nov 2011) but would have been replaced anyway.

Throwing your job in without another one (which is what I did the first move and thought I was doing in agreeing to come here) is never a positive career move. No German and strong experience but not in Financial Services doesn't make now finding a job easier. Being pretty certain that there will be another career opportunity for my wife and we will move again makes trying to establish oneself again and again and again difficult.

But I signed up for moving, reluctantly both times although I now love Switzerland (didn't want to move to a non English speaking country). What I find frustrating is the niggles and comments at why I haven't found a job.

I do know other spouses (females) who had strong careers and find being a mum difficult. Obviously they have trained and spent considerable time in their life building that career so to have to take a step back or away whether for kids or country changes or both is a difficult adjustment.

Our child is in school and I have it pretty good with lots of golf. Ideally though I would be heading off to work, doing something half useful, and contributing to the bank account.

I can certainly see how this can be a strain on a marriage.

11
I gave up my career to follow my husbands. For the first year I hated it. I hated how I felt as only a 'wife' and I started to resent my husband. I found myself applying more and more pressure on my husband to succeed so that my 'career sacrifice' was worth it. There were other extenuating circumstances and my husbands employer didn't live up to a lot of promises but ultimately neither of us was happy.

Changing my mindset, doing something I enjoyed and viewing things from an 'us' viewpoint rather than 'him' and 'me' really helped our relationship get stronger. He discusses his career and job with me and I discuss my goals etc. We act as each-others sounding boards and make decisions together.

What I think really helped is that at no point has my husband dismissed me as 'just the wife' or told me I don't know what I'm talking about. He makes me feel valued and tells me when he's taken my advice and the outcome. Or why he didn't. He's worked hard to include me and make us a team. And he's frequently told me that he wouldn't be able to do what he's done without my assistance... it's really nice to hear.

We help each-other and between us we've built a relationship where both of us feel we're doing something worthwhile. We're working towards common goals. And my husband has encouraged me to get out and try things. He's made me spend money to go on training courses, to buy equipement so I can run a small business and has been willing to sacrifice some of his wants so that I've been able to do so.

I don't feel like I sacrificed too much any longer.

I should mention that as soon as I started to contribute again (no matter how small the amount) towards our bank account my happiness level and self esteem increased. It made life a lot easier for both of us.

12
Hi all

As a life-coach who works extensively with trailing spouses, I am loving the exchange happening in this thread. One of the key points of being a trailing spouse is to not loose your own identity and be sure to do something to keep the brain cells active and also to maintain your previously held independence.

I don't want to turn this into a sales pitch but if anyone would be interested in coaching around this topic, I would be happy to offer a FREE 30-minute session. PM me if interested.

Either way, I wish you all the very best of luck

Nats

13
Not per se, but it has put a damper on a few relationships, as I am not willing to move up north (or anywhere outside Ticino).

Tom

14
Being a trailing spouse didn't affect my relationship with my husband... but being a trailing spouse in Switzerland certainly did.

We started married life as equals - we worked in vary different fields, but had similar ambitions - and similar salaries.

In all our other moves, I was able to keep my career alive. In fact, the moves often provided a springboard for growth, allowing me to take off in new, interesting directions. While our career goals (and salaries) might have diverged, OH and I remained equals.

When we moved to Switzerland, though, my permit did not allow me to work. I wasn't bothered by this at first, as the move was only supposed to be for a year or max two. I spent much of the first 'non-working' year finishing up a project for my clients in China, so it took a while before it hit me that I was a now a Hausfrau - that is to say, a nonentity.

This completely changed the dynamics of our relationship - now we were no longer equals. Made for some very... interesting... times.

To add fuel to the fire, the bit of Switzerland that we encountered (in the late nineties) felt like stepping back into the fifties in terms of how society viewed women. I'm sure that there were pockets of enlightenment here and there - afterall, everything varies by canton but I kept running into institutionalized barriers the likes of which I thought had been relegated to the dustbins of history. One example: when I tried to set up an investment account with my own money our banker called my husband to make sure I had his permission to do so...

Culture shock, to say the least.

Well, the 1-2 year assignment is now going on 15. I've since found a fullfilling role for myself, we've found a balance that works - but we've not been able to completely re-establish that equal partnership.

It will be interesting to see what happens when OH retires...

15
I'm a kept man and a lazy, arrogant bar steward.

Apart from dragging the kids out of bed and kicking them out the door to school, I use my talents to utilise her hard earned in an innovative and constructive manner which is, unfortunately, something that she is not equipped to do as well as me.

It seems to work well, as she has never been as well off as she is, since she met me.

My career - never had one, so nothing to miss; my skills lie elsewhere.

Equals - nah .... she's got some catching up still to do.

16
For me it's not so much the trailing but the trailing in a country where I can't speak the language. Languages have always been a blind spot for me but I have made some lovely friends here. I know I need to try harder with the language. The lack of the language has caused difficulties for us as it's meant that I take longer to do household admin stuff and that I have to ask a very busy OH to help.

17
Being a trailing spouse has not threatened my relationship, but has not make things easier either. Mainly because we have moved to a country where working in my field would be very difficult for me.

Also, the school time is not very "working mum's friendly" as the children are back from school for lunch and go back up to 4:00 pm. So to find a half time job is really hard, plus the lack of language...no chance for me.

Sometimes, I feel I'm missing out and get mad at Mr. Mariposa:. But giving it a second thought, I remember how much I wanted to be at home with my child when he was a baby ( I was working full time in UK at that time) ..so I have mixed feeling about this. I suppose, when time passes it will be easier and I might be able to get to work in my field again.

18
I am a trailing spouse and have been a Hausfrau for five years. I worked for the NHS and my PCT very kindly allowed me to be on their 'Bank', which meant that I could do a few days work whilst visiting family in the UK.

This was great, I got to live in Switzerland with my husband instead of only seeing each other every other weekend, but still felt like I was employed and earning some of my own money.

That was until cut backs started and the PCT stopped using bank staff. The last time I worked was September 2009, and yesterday I received a letter from the Health Professions Council to say my registration is due for renewal, which it is every two years.

Unfortunately however, as I haven't practised my profession for over two years, I have to apply to have my name removed from the register, and if I want to have it put back, I need to reapply and do some retraining, which is fair enough.

I didn't think I would mind, but I now feel as if that is it, I am no longer a professional person, I have become unemployed and in effect unemployable.

If I had stayed in the UK, I would have clocked up 31 years with the NHS so far, now I have become a simple 'Hausfrau' with a reduced pension and no independence.

I suppose though, I am happier being with my husband in this wonderful country, I wasn't a 'career girl', but I did value being my own person. Our relationship is pretty strong but I now feel slightly wobbly about the future, my husband though has never resented me not working, but I feel guilty about it ( I am trying to learn German, but I can't see how I could ever do a 'proper job' with the language I have).

19
you hit the nail on the head...

"wobbly" not only about the future but about the present, too.

I go from feeling like the world is mine (when I look at my CV, experience and languages) to feeling naive and deluded - surely there are so many better candidates out there and it will never get to the stage that someone will give me a chance

I do think that this will put a strain on my marriage at some time.

not that my husband makes me feel guilty for not working as much as before, because he knows how much work I do with the kids and to keep the family running.

but I would like to be the one walking out of the door in the morning knowing that I will be meeting colleagues and clients, solving problems, using my brains... or simply having a good reason for dressing well, and not just habit!

20
Being a trailing spouse has definitely threatened my relationship. There have been times where I feel like I need to choose between my marriage, and my mental health, and not wanting to lose either - it felt like a very desperate place. My husband is lovely and it's not that he has done anything wrong or badly, but our situations became so different it was hard to relate to one another, and I could feel resentment just waiting for a moment to creep in.

For me the turning point was identifying more clearly what we each wanted, and assessing frankly whether Switzerland is the best place for that. Now we are looking at possible options that meet both our needs with minimal compromises on our priorities.