Help! My son is reluctant to learn/speak German

Family, Education, Health and Pets
1
When we moved to Switzerland earlier this year, my son attended the public kindergarten and had a good time there. Seemed to me his progress on German learning was very limited in the first couples of months, but his teacher told me not to worry since some kids don't want to speak before they're confident at speaking.

Starting from this summer he joined the primary school. In the first week his teacher called me to express her concerns about my son's disruptive behaviors at school. She said he doesn't want to join group activities and makes noise from time to time.

I asked my son why he did such things, he told me he's bored. Sometimes he didn't understand what the teacher was saying in German class, sometimes he felt bored because "it was too easy" (e.g. counting numbers in math class -- he said he didn't understand the verbal part but understand the math part easily).

Seems to me he would feel better if he could know more about German, so I started learning German with or without him (I couldn't speak any German before). Then I started to realize he's extremely reluctant to learn it for reasons I don't know. He's energetic and smart, but somehow when we study German, he seemed totally absent-minded and did not learn much when we study together.

His German teacher told me he's not cooperative when she tried to teach him alone. Most of the kids learn 10 words per day, but my son still couldn't remember the words taught in the first week. She didn't feel he's making any progress on German and told me there's nothing she could do if he doesn't want to learn.

He has a twins brother and sister at similar ages so they play together at all times. I think that's probably why he thinks he doesn't really need German at all. A couple of month ago a boy in my community approaches him and they seem to get along well except they don't talk. They ride bike, wander around in the community, watch cartoon together, but they don't understand each other's native languages. They simply play without talking.

This week his teacher told me they'll have a science camp next week, and based on his behaviors so far, she suggests me to keep him at home and not let him join others at school. The request does bother me a bit since I don't want him to be isolated from other students but on the other hand I don't want to cause too much trouble for his teacher.

Overall I think he's still interested in school. I asked him if he wants to try other schools, and he said no. I'm running out of ideas and don't know what to do to help. Does anyone have similar experience that can be shared?

2
I completely sympathize with you. On one hand, he doesn't need playmates, since he has close siblings and on the other, you are concerned about his participation, and development..

How are his siblings progressing, with German? At some point, when they are fluent, they will start to play in German. At least, by this time, he will join in.

I guess you need to know your family's situation. Do you plan to stay in Switzerland permanently? If you switch him to an international school, there are financial considerations, and he will probably never integrate locally.

Is he really miserable, or does he just need more time? Do you have him in local sports or music? I would suggest you expose him, in extracurricular activities, which he may enjoy. If he has pleasure, it will be easier.

When we moved here, our neighbors directly put their three children into Swiss school, and ours went to ZIS. They are all grown and educated now, but ours still do not speak German fluently and have a hard time to settle here, due to the language. And, our pocketbook is thinner, than theirs.

Good luck. It is not easy to be a parent and make these choices.

3
There was another thread with almost the identical problem a couple of months ago which yielded some great advice. I can't find it on the search (having a scatterbrained morning...) but if I find it later I'll post the link.

In the meantime, with his struggle (reluctance?) to learn German words, could you set up a sort of reward system? If he manages to learn his 10 words per week for, say, two weeks, you treat him to something he really likes.

There's nothing like a little box of Lego to incentivise a 7 year old...

4
From the post what i feel is learning a language needs a objective and can not be imposed.

For example me as a kid (Portuguese) learning English was easy because all TV series and cinema movies are Original Audio and subtitled in English.

Without notice, you learn to match the audio words with the sentences in your native language.

When i moved here, German has different structure from Portuguese, French or even English.

in 2011 and 2012 i worked in an English Environment so my german time was the school time (boring)

My German improved when i moved to a job when 90% of people speaks german and i am the only one non speaking (in 50 people) and VERY IMPORTANT when i met a girl that german and russian is fluent but not English.

Man, since then: mein Deutsch ist wirklich besser.

5
Perhaps he is reluctant because he hears both German and Swiss-German and he is still trying to sort out the difference between the two in his mind. Learning German with you may also have been problematic as most likely you would have a strong accent and it would sound different again to his ears - just an idea...

6
So hard- are you parents learning with him, with the children? Maybe enroll his older siblings in making it fun and part of play.

7
My kids speak English and Swiss-German, but I was specifically advised by their teachers (Kindergarten) not to speak German with them, because my German is weak.

Their logic was that children need to express themselves and be understood to the fullest extent possible, and when the parents don't understand or have the vocabulary to help them do so, it can cause more behavioral and language problems.

I agree that rewards can help, as well as getting the siblings involved in learning (though my two still play nearly exclusively in English when they're alone), but is the teacher really out of ideas? Surely this isn't the first time she's had a tough case. Maybe you can talk to her and find out how the two of you could work together to make it easier for your son.

Also, excluding him from the class's activities probably isn't going to help with his reluctance to join in, is it?

8
May I ask whether both parents are non German speakers, the school should offer DAZ - Deutsch als zweite Sprache (German as a second language). This is a small group before school to learn german, you can ask the School if they offer this.

9
Maybe get a tutor to help outside of school.

10
I'd agree with the advice not to speak in German to the children if your German is weak. But it does not mean you can't learn vocab together for instance, with the help of a tutor perhaps, to ensure accurate pronunciation- by making cut out cards of the words with a picture on the other side- placing them in subject relevant envelopes, putting them down on the table and turning them over- one way or another (picture first, word first, or mixed as they fall). Making learning into a game then having tutor to help string sentences together and slowly introducing grammar, syntax, etc.

11
I feel sorry for the child. He is confronted with 'High' German just as he might have been getting around to sorting out Swiss German in Kindergarten. Maybe he is the sort of kid (and they DO exist) who hates making mistakes or being corrected. He's still quite young and learning ten words a day would not have been my preferred method of learning German either.

Is there no group of children taking part in some fun activitiy he could join where no-one pressures him to speak but where he might find he gets on better if he listens a bit?

He needs a reason to listen and learn German which makes sense to him, not just a reason which is logical to adults.

Good luck.

12
German Childrens TV - kika helps but no babysitting

13
It worries me that the teacher is putting the blame on the child, that if he doesn't want to learn, she can't do anything. The teacher's job is to find ways to make him want to learn...or, to make it so interesting that he learns without realising he's learning.

Maybe there are a few things you can try at home. It has to be fun, though, no pressure! If you push he will push back and you lose progress and get frustrated. When we first arrived, before my kids started school we did something different each day.

We spent half an hour one day with a kids' German picture dictionary, labelling everything in the house in German using Post-Its. He could find out names for his toys, or for different foods in the fridge. Then you can use them together.

Another day we used big sheets of paper, drew around ourselves and labelled the body parts. Then they decorated the pictures.

We always stopped when the kids got bored with it, which was usually about half an hour, but it's amazing how many words they can find in 30 minutes! And even if they only retain 2 or 3 of them, it's a big step in the right direction.

Some people may be able to recommend fun kids' apps or websites that can help at home.

Lots of different ways of exposure are important! Books, TV, games, puzzles, art-based activities, physical activities like going to the zoo and learning what the animals are called in German. My daughter's DAZ teacher gave her a camera one day and sent her around the school to take photos of things that were interesting to her. Then together they found out the names of all the things in the photos.

Unfortunately these are things I'm suggesting you can do at home; I don't know a good solution for the school. But it's so, so important to motivate kids any way you can! If you can motivate him to learn more at home, maybe it'll help him at school.

Best of luck to you! I was worried about my daughter too, but we have been here 7 months now and she is much more confident and fluent. From March until July (summer holidays) she barely said a word at school and her teachers were concerned too. It does get better! Now she goes out and plays speaking a mixture of High German and Dialekt - simple but enough to be understood.

14
Oh, and another really important thing, and maybe you can model this in front of his teacher :-)

Celebrate every small achievement! The first time he greets his teacher at the start of the day, for example (if he doesn't at the moment), make a big deal about it to the teacher: Wasn't that great! He's such a great speaker! I'm so excited! The teacher needs to be on board with this - I hope you have a teacher who would celebrate like that!

The day my daughter came home and recited the class poem to me, she said she doesn't say it at school. I went back to school with her the next day with a big smile and said to the teacher in front of my daughter, "A knows the poem! She can say it! Just keep listening, see if you hear her today..." And the teacher, with a big smile also, heard her say it that day, just loud enough for her to hear. And now her teacher and I always share when something big happens, like she reads a book aloud, or sings a German song.

15
Thanks for all of your advises. Sorry that I don't know how to "Thank" the posts above, I couldn't find that option.

For learning German together, currently we use Rosetta Stone and Duolingo, both provide pronunciations from real persons. I tried studying Rosetta together, at first he enjoyed clicking the options to answer questions, but most of the time I found him simply treat it as a game and didn't really pay attention to details. And the vital is, Rosetta has no problem identifying my speaking tests, but it often responses "Wrong!" to my son's speaking, he was upset about it.

I tried looking around on the internet, in the bulletin board of coops/micros hoping to find someone who has experience teaching kids like him German, but haven't found anything useful yet.

As to motivations, I'd tried a few incentives but it seems he would rather not take those incentives if it's about learning German. It's like he could live without those incentives if he doesn't have to learn German.

I'm trying with Kika now and it's too early to judge if that has any affection. Sometimes he watched it and sometimes he complaint he wanna something he's familiar with. I also went to PBZ to borrow a few German children DVD and the result so far is like Kika.

I have weekly meeting with the teacher, and she kept emphasizing she couldn't tolerate his behaviors for a long time, we have to make a decision (I'm not sure what she meant about this, though). She told me if I want to find a new teacher for him she wouldn't have any problems with it. I'm wondering if the situations don't improve significantly, could public school declines my child from going to school? At first she told me my child could go home earlier because he's "suffering" at school, then it's this science camp, he was asked not to go to school for two days.

16
I must be getting soft in my old age, but, as I said before, I feel desperately sorry for your son. At that time of life things are supposed to be fun and games. Learning a new language is, for many children, really daunting and extremely tiring at first. (For adults too for that matter; I was exhausted by the time evening came when I had to concentrate on every word I heard).

If you are 'learning together', are the phrases he is supposed to be saying in these courses the sort of things he would be saying in his mother tongue? Children learning to speak don't learn whole sentences to begin with. They learn nouns then add the other bits slowly as they practice and gain confidence. Mostly whole phrases are learned 'earlier' with the second language but to expect whole sentences and correct grammar, in the way an adult might learn, is a bit much. What sort of incentives are you trying with? They have to be something which the child really wants, to have the right effect. Any cooperation on his part and each tiny step of improvement should be recognised for what it is - a step in the right direction.

From a child's point of view, home should be the place where he can relax and be himself after a tough day at school. If he hears his Mum getting told she is pronouncing words correctly whereas his words are wrong - this must be just the last straw.

It must be hard for you jammed between an unwilling child and a non-too-helpful teacher but I suppose everyone is doing the best they can.

Let's hope things look up soon.

17
Neither of my parents spoke good German or really any German when I was small, so I also only learned it as I entered the playschool / kindergarten system. I didn't have a choice but to learn and I would suggest only letting him have German telly and books, there can't really be any choice on the matter and 'I'm bored' is a bad excuse - if he doesn't struggle with the content, he should focus on learning the language within the cobtext of understanding the maths.

If he is generally disruptive, it may be ADHD, I know it's a 'fashionable' diagnosis but I was diagnosed very late, as an adult, and I wish I could have the lost time back. I can also not really focus on stuff that bores me and have zero patience to learn stuff that is hard, either I get it quickly or I give up. So maybe he doesn't consciously not want to learn, it just doesn't suit his mental state.

18
I'm not sure if the science fair is over, if it is not could you offer to accompany your son? That way he does not miss out and the teacher can feel she is not responsible for him.

I'm really disappointed at the way you and your son are being treated. Is the teacher young/ inexperienced? They appear to just want rid of 'a problem' (and I don't mean that as your son is a big issue but dealing with his resistance is one more thing in a busy day) rather than find solutions. I'm also surprised she is being so negative after only a few weeks, I usually find it takes until the October holidays for classes to really start working well and everyone to have settled into the routine.

Have you tried sitting in on class to see what is happening? You won't get the full picture as children usually react differently when parents are in but you may get some idea of how he acts, how the other children are treating him etc.

Is there anyone in the class you could organise a playdate with? Advertise for an older student to come and do activities with him for a few hours a week? As others have suggested get him involved in clubs outside of school.

Finally ask your son why he is unhappy, why he doesn't want to speak German. Maybe there is a reason you can't see. Also explain that this is his school and he has to be there so what could you or his teacher do to help him and see what he says.

19
My direct experience has been that my child needed to "absorb" things, situations and words before speaking. This was also the case with a friend of mine who is Swiss and her husband is Italian. it was only when the child was 3 that she started speaking italian. For my child it took a year to speak German. People often say "children pick it up fast/easily" but some children like to be more confident before they speak so please dont think his slowness is an inability.

We are totally english speaking at home and stick to that language and I now help with translating the words via google or the dictionary and this has heped my child to learn to use this too.

Also, because English is a language that is easy to pick up verbally initially; we found that the other children in Kindergarten started trying to speak English! So the teacher had to "ban" English and introduce it specifically when they were learning songs so my child wasn't feeling English was wrong.

My experience is it is best to just speak and read in your native language at home to ensure that is strong and then the second language comes up to that standard. Also, if the teacher feels she can do no more then you should ask her for further support from the school/agencies. It is not good enough her approach at the moment.

20
OP, I went to a US school after studying English for a year. Once I failed a math exam with zero points. So I took the exam home and explained to my parents that I had used a ruler to get the measurements from the paper, while the correct answers would have used the measurements that were given in the text that I couldn't understand. After explaining this I had full points in the exam.

There were also some really hard times, when somebody might pick on me and I would counter and of course Murphy's Law would apply and the teacher would only see my action and thus consider me the bully. Obviously I wouldn't have the vocabulary to make my case.

My advice to you as parents: Just be extra supportive for as long as it takes for your son to learn the language to a level that he can explain himself in German. Also, always take his side, no matter what. He needs to know his not alone.