On another note, txtspk shouldn't be used on EF .
cover letter. why do you post such a draft when you have a in your eyes perfect text already written? would have saved me some valuable time if you showed your "good to go" text for a spellcheck or something...
No no i was sayig that i already know that i need ti put first "dear sir or madam", you helped me alot. I appreciate it!
Important advice.
If you ask for advice on EF, take it, accept or ignore it, but don't lash out at people trying to help you.
You may not like what they have to say but don't forget they did try to help you.
In my world, her reply essentially means she doesn't care about you, your job prospects, your future, nor that of the two of you as a couple. Sorry to be blunt, but are you sure she values you higher than she would any shag buddy? Each and every respondent on here shows more interest in you, your person and your future than her.
While it's true what most here say, that in general the german your job application needs to be perfect, these respondents also need to keep in mind that OP intends to work as a kitchen aid, service aid, or similar. For that, language skill requirements differ a lot from having a desk job. I think for a kitchen job it's very much Ok to show far from perfect german, especially as you have arrived recently.
With that said, I think the template by flow23 is too much of a good thing. If memory serves he's native german, and that clearly shows. At the same time, the structure of his proposal is quite good. Perhaps use your own sentences, and try to rearrange them so they match the structure of his template? That would give your letter a good structure and still maintain your own german.
In your initial post, four out of the first four sentences start with "I". This will not be received well, you need to vary, rephrase. Reposition portions of your sentences, or rephrase a bit in other cases. For instance change
"Ich denke, ich bin für diesen Job perfekt, weil ich jung bin, und ich möchte viel mehr zu lernen."
to
"Weil ich jung und lernfreudig bin, bin ich perfekt für diesen Job geeignet."
(no need for "meiner Meinung nach", you are writing from a personal position)
You will also need to explain the four-year gap between Septemerb 2011 and now.
Your work experience points to you having done cleaning work mostly, that doesn't mean it's also what you're looking for - you need to mention that as well. Perhaps short term and longer term differ? Since you seem to have very little food related experience, it's probably best to not overemphasize that portion even if it's what you aim for, because the gaps there will show immediately once you get to show what you know.
It may also be helpful if you can demonstrate why you are applying for this particular job, at this particular location, i.e. that you have a special motivation for it. Could be anything, perhaps you were impressed by the bustling garden restaurant during your walk day before yesterday.
Feel free to send me your revised application by PM (or send your email address there).
or
"Ich habe diverse Bewertungen in der Presse und Online gelesen, speziell was den guten Service Ihres Hauses betrifft. Da ich hier sehr gern meine Kenntnisse einbringen und weiter ausbauen möchte, bewerbe ich mich bei Ihnen um diese Position."
that gives a bit of reason why you're applying beyond "i am young, no job too little and i need the money"
Seriously, this is not going to help you find assistance. You "didn't ask us for help" you say, but you posted a thread here entitled "Help"... quite contradictory.
Refusing to accept the way job applications work here in CH and justifying it with "I'm just applying for [...] job" is not going to help you find a job.
i could not see the job advert and the restaurant you want to work for. that could be a sausage booth or a mountain hotel... so eventually its a bit brushed up too much, but without the ad its hard to hit the right tone and style. if its just a low qualified position, id be inclined to walk by and speak to the person right there or speak on the telephone. such jobs you often get by handshake. also when we dont see your CV we dont know that you have been 4 years to school and thats your gap reason which is totally fine.
anyway... good luck.
When he or she wrote: Yea bro I know that all. I wrote that but I just didnt copy here . I guess he or she meant that he/she knows about the addressing bit (you had mentioned it's best to address the person directly). And I actually think it's a good move to not include the name on here, if he/she was able to get hold of it.