Cashing in while the iron's hot, Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer's ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider sat down for an interview with News of the World to openly discuss the couple's sex life. I will never, ever in my entire life write anything as funny as the unintentional hilarity that comes out of Ranae's mouth. This chick should do Vegas:
On sex in general with a midget:
"So I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees! It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big. On the whole though, he wasn't short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size."
On their first time and the Mini-Me's magical rebound skills:
"I had no complaints. But the whole thing was over in three minutes. It was strange having sex with someone who couldn't reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing."
On why midget's prefer sex on dry land:
"I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub," she said. "Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn't see him."
Mini-Me almost drowns trying to do his girlfriend in a bubble bath. Jesus. *hangs up keyboard* Sorry, guys, you just can't follow something like that. I'll be simultaneously laughing/crying/inhaling White-Out in the supply closet until the next post. Hold my calls.