Moms who decided to stay home-convince me!

Family, Education, Health and Pets
1
Before you read this: I am not trying to start an argument about SAHMs vs. moms with jobs outside of the home. I know that both are valid choices. So, please be kind, EFers!

Here's my situation: I have three daughters (5, 4 and 5 months old) and was recently let go from my job. I am now looking for a new job, with little success so far (due to my pretty terrible German. I know, but my job was in English). I am on RAV, and have all three children in full-time daycare or a full-day kindergarten. I make very little money on RAV, since it all goes to pay for childcare (and we get significant subsidies, since we live in Zurich city, so I don't make as much as some of you may be calculating ).

Getting the kids to day care and school is a nightmare, since they're in two different places. The Kindergarten is a full 40 minutes away by public transportation (and we don't have a car). The Krippe is only about 15 minutes away, but not really on the way to the KG. Before, I felt like it was worth it because (a) it was temporary and (b) I liked my job. Now, with the possibility of having a job I don't really want for six months or so, and the stress of our morning and evening routines, it seems like I have kids so I can nag them to get dressed or undressed or bathed or fed. I am also starting German lessons (which I'm actually excited about) but it means more stress in the mornings and evenings.

Plus: my husband is looking for a new job in another country, and will be traveling fairly extensively (at least one week every other month). Getting everyone to their day care/schools is impossible when he is gone, unless I rent a car, and even then it means a good three hours in the car per day. This seems kind of crazy.

If I quit the RAV, we'd have enough money (barely) to survive. We could stay in our current flat, and I could pull the kids out of their current situations. I'd have one in the local KG, and two home full time. Travel would be less of an issue for my husband, and I'd get to see my kids.

Still, I have always worked full time, even after the birth of my first two, and I am worried that quitting will cause all sorts of other stress-since I'll feel like I've given up and possibly resent my husband for this (though it's obviously not his fault and is my choice). Plus, nearly all of my female friends (with children) work, and I feel like I'd become less relevant. Finally, even though I haven't gotten any job offers yet, maybe something really interesting would come along...right?

Okay, moms, what did you do? Are you happy? Would you suck it up and keep looking or "extend" your maternity leave, hoping that in a year you'll be in a better place? Is it harder to go back once you've taken a long leave? How does quitting work change things with your partner?

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Hi

I'm the same as you - 3 kids, always worked, still do. If I was in your situation I think I would look for more flexibility, such as trying to work self-employed from home, building up the childcare again gradually by using spielgruppe for the youngest first, until they were old enough for kindergarten. Is that an option for you? That way you could view it as more of an opportunity to explore a new way of working, and if it turned out that you enjoyed the SAHM thing you could focus on that instead.

3
I'm not a mom but I'll answer any way.

If the only reason you have your children in a school 40 minutes away is due to the RAV, then quitiing the RAV will save you a lot of stress.

Quitiing the RAV diesn't nean you can't keep looking for work.

4
I'd better stay out of this one.

5
I work and have three kids. I was not really 'work ready' until the kids were past 2 and now mine are old enoug to be left at home and go to/from school.

I always had some sort of casual work for spare cash and volunteer work for self-interest. Together, those things got me back into a well-paid and rewarding job, when I was ready.

It is possible to get part-time RAV to look for part-time work. You really have to do the maths. It may be worth talking to your RAV advisor about going to (for example) 60% und employment, switch your daughter to the local school with Hort/lunch programme when needed, and drop your other kids back to part time childcare. If you can do this and the maths works out, and you can get a close-to-home childcare organised, you may find this is a sustainable arrangement for the next couple of years.

Until we had our third child, there was a sense that our two older children could 'fit around, our lifestyle. Once the third one arrived we felt strongly that

A) our living choices had to fit around our children's upbringing

b) our marriage had to take priority over our careers.

Hope that helps.

6
My experience; once at home you tend to get stuck there. Very difficult to get back into the work force. I was at home for 12 years and never managed to find a suitable job again, having missed the computer revolution, missed out on further training and gained a few health problems along the way.

I now work nights in a role that I was doing when I was 18.

Best to keep your foot in the door even if working part time for a while.

7
I don’t have three, but I have 2 and the little one is relatively little. I remember how it was when I came back from the maternity break. Did not have it all together and wondered if coming back was a mistake at all.

But 5 months down the line, it is worth it. I love working and want to continue to do so, at least part time (as I am doing right now)

Reading your post, my understanding is that you are more stressed with all the travelling and you miss spending time with the kids. So what would make life easy

1. Less co-ordination during drop-off and pick-up

2. More time with the kids.

Have you considered moving apartments and/or hiring a nanny for your 3 year old and 5 month old. They can get the social simulation from attending spielgruppe, going to parks, playdates etc. Might not be bad economically and you can get a nanny part-time.... 60%-80%.

That leaves you with dropping off and picking up one child, whom you could move to the local kindergarten and could be under nanny’s care rest of the time. Meanwhile negotiate with the RAV person if you can scale down and apply for part-time jobs.

All this might take a few weeks to few months to re-organize. Then you would have the best of both worlds.

And lastly – when your husband is away you could also hire a good babysitter to co-ordinate drop and pick up instead of a car. Once you pull out the kids from the childcare setup and then you find out that you are not happy as a SAHM, then it could be tough to set it all up again.

Or do a trial run, pay the childcare but still keep them home for a month, week, 2 weeks and see how it goes – just my two cents.

8
It's a tough one but I think there are a few things you need to work out

How easy would it be to return to your field of work if you take a year off?

How easy is it to work part time in your sort if job?

Is your career really important to you?

Would you resent your OH and kids if your career suffered as a result if taking a break?

It's clear that the current situation is not sustainable in the longer term especially with your husband travelling a lot.

If you're looking to move to another country maybe now would be a good time to take a break and look for a new job if you move?

Maybe look at doing some voluntary work.

Would moving the eldest to a kindergarten nearer home be an option? That would make things easier in the short term.

Think about the future too. What would you regret the most? Not spending the time with your kids when they're small ( nagging them, stressing them etc) or not having the career you would have liked.

Kids grow up so quickly and you only have that time once but on the other hand a career opportunity may only come up once and if you don't take you've missed it.

Lots of food for thought but in the end the only person who can decide what's best for you is you.

9
For all sorts of reasons, I stayed at home for 8 years with my two- and went on to Uni to do teacher training when youngest started school. So having a few years 'off' doesn't automatically means you get 'stuck'- but it does take a lot of effort and determination to go back. If I were you I'd really concentrate on learning German, putting all my effort into this at the moment- as it will make a huge difference, especially if you stay in Switzerland- but also later on with many careers. This is what I did, learning English to prepare for doing a Uni course in a foreing language, which was not easy at first.

Depends on your temperament and how you enjoy being at home with kids too- if it drives you nuts, then maybe not a good idea. And also if you have a career already and what it is. In some professions things are moving so fast that being out of the loop for more than a year means going down the ladder a long way before coming up again- this was the case for our eldest daughter- she took 8 months off with both her children- as she knew she would totally lose what she had been working for so hard for so long- and made it to Partner within a year of going back. So many things to juggle to make the right decision- but even what seems to be the 'wrong' decision can be turned around for the better one day. All the best.

Edit BM posts crossed, so sorry for any repetition.

10
This is very true!

However, I think that the OP can keep looking even off the RAV. It's the RAV that forces parents to be "ready to work immediately" thus keeping kids in daycare, even when the parent is at home. Personally, i think that's crazy. So the OP can look for work while not being "on the RAV".

The other reason I'd be pro getting off the RAV and "not working" is that it's quite possible she will be moving countries soon anyway. Then she has an "excuse" for her not having worked a few months/a year or so.

11
How does it go?

Oh yeah, you never think back on your deathbed and say "I wish I had spent more time at work..."

If you can afford it, then I would encourage you to stay at home with your children.

My wife is at home looking after our 4. As she puts it "I can be a better mother to my children than anyone else".

I genuinely think that getting back to work depends on what your skills/areas of expertise lie. If you have specific skills and you manage to keep these up-to-dateish then it isn't a problem. If you have nothing to offer beyond what you left work with, then yes, it will be harder to get back in the workplace. I've been involved in hiring at our company and I've seen a few people who had been on parental leave, if you will. None of them were "up-to-speed" but all had the necessary baseline qualifications and the right attitude for getting the job and this was not a deciding factor in taking them on (or not).

12
This post realistically describes many at-home Moms who are now looking for work again. Thanks for posting.

13
Well, take a day like today. Gorgeous weather and the kids had a soccer tournament at school. I got to blow off all other work and spend the day outside cheering on my kids and their friends...I took an hour off to go for a walk on my own and get in a tiny bit of exercise. These things happen all the time. I go once a month with my son's kindergarten class on "Wald" mornings, I can go skiing with the classes if I want to, attend sports day at school, the list goes on... At this point, the kids still want me there

Am I happy everyday? No. But working full-time would cause me much too much stress and I would wonder what it is for. I wish I could work part-time, but haven't found that work just yet. I am contemplating doing English language teaching just to get some spending cash, and feeling "important", but not sure yet I will enjoy it - jury is still out on that one.

My background - I have 3 kiddos (10, 8 and 5) and studied too long to probably not be working...but, here I am. We are fortunate that we can have a decent life on my husband's salary, and me staying home helps his career in some ways.

So for me, I think working full-time is just really too stressful for what it might bring. I can totally understand the need/want to do something outside of the house - when my kids were little I was jealous that my husband "got" to commute - imagine that, 30 minutes alone in the car - 2 times a day!

What job were you doing? I believe it was scientific based? I would have enjoyed doing something like tech writing or similar where you can be at home and do part-time, but those jobs are probably few and far between.

Your current situation does not sound too enjoyable, but from the sound of your post, I do think you would resent your husband and his job if you didn't go back to work.

Oh, and you would soon meet others who are all stay at home moms - it is just right now the circle you travel in is filled with others on a similar path to yours so that is why you only know other working moms.

Good luck...

14
Unless you love working and earn a very good salary, it might not me worth it. To get totally safe and foolproof cover for childcare, especially if you commute- you have to earn a lot to get more than it costs you. And in many other ways- it is amazing how much money you can save by cooking family meals instead of relying on quick and easy, doing things yourself, repairing clothes, growing veg (if space of course), not having a car, etc, etc, etc.

15
I have been at home with my three kids for almost 20 ( ) years now.

That is not necessarily how I originally envisioned it, and I absolutely agree that I would be up against a huge obstacle if I decided now to go back to work in my field of university study. I don't necessarily want to return to work after my kids are grown; now that my kids are older and one is in university, I have more time to volunteer, which I truly enjoy.

I would not change my decision, as my staying home provided the "foundation" and grounding that our family needed in order for my husband to focus upon his career. Our family's time together, which generally takes place on the weekends, is a blessing. My effort during the week to take care of the "details" of life (cooking, cleaning, errands, etc.) allows us all to better enjoy the time that we have all together.

I did have to come to grips with the feelings of uselessness relating to not utilizing the degree I earned and the lack of contribution on my part to the family coffers. In all honesty, it was sometimes a struggle, but one that dissipated as my children grew.

After reading your post, I would encourage you to try the stay-home thing for a period of time, if only to provide a sense of calm and lower stress for you and your kids during the time while your husband is traveling and searching for a new job. Who knows where you will be in a year? You can use any free time that you have to stay current in your field via study, etc., as you deem necessary.

I wish you the best as you make your decision, and I hope that you always remember that there is no "right" and "wrong" in this case. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

16
I also was surprised at how different three kids is compared to two. For one thing, the marriage is basically on the back burner...uh...forever. As for the part-time work, I discuss that below, but for various reasons, I don't see that as an option right now. I'd love it, though!

Sadly, moving isn't an option economically, nor is a nanny (believe it or not, we don't pay enough for daycare that a nanny would be less expensive. Move to Zürich, all you working moms!)

How easy would it be to return? Hard, I think, but I'd probably get away with one year, given my experience and qualifications (I'm a Biologist with a PhD).

Part time, though, isn't really an option, at least for my field. I have no industry experience, for one thing. For another, the part-time jobs I've seen in Switzerland that are related require fluent German (even when not specified on the job advertisements).

Career is important, though I realize that having had three children will make it impossible for me to have the career I dreamed of as a 20 year old. It already has. I'm okay with that.

Resentment is something that we also discussed prior to having the first child. I can live with being number two in careers, but had honestly never considered not working. I know, naive.

The Kindergarten has been wonderful for my daughter (it's her second year and she is a very sensitive kid) so we are reluctant to move her purely for our convenience. Also, if I got a job, she'd end up at the Hort here, which has a terrible reputation (though the school is considered very good). So, I'm torn. It sucks, but I'd hate to make her miserable.

That's scarily close to the rationale I used to convince my husband to have number 3: "Nobody ever regrets the third child on their death bed!" I did add that I couldn't vouch for any moment before that last one, though

If you can afford it, then I would encourage you to stay at home with your children.

My wife is at home looking after our 4. As she puts it "I can be a better mother to my children than anyone else".

Okay, I have a PhD in Biology and went to fancy schools. But I'm old. But I'd be willing to prove myself in a new environment, starting lower and working my way back up. Would you hire me?

17
Yes, this is true, though the subsidies in Zurich city make it somewhat less of an issue. Previously, I didn't have to commute (well, it was 15 minutes by bus, and the Krippe was at work). We don't have a car, and do our own cooking and cleaning (we have a big freezer in the basement, which allows us to have a stash of fast food leftovers), so I don't know how many more corners we could cut to save money.

The big benefit we would get is the lower stress, both for us and the kids. It would cost us my contributions to retirement, the safety net of having two (nearly equal) salaries, and unknown amounts of future earnings.

Basically, stress vs. money. Ugh.

18
I totally get that. Especially since the baby isn't in day care full time (though we pay for it) and some afternoons I swear it's her attached to me.

This is exactly what I want to do, and I'm working on the certifications for it. However, even though the writing itself is in English, I've been turned down from several positions because I wouldn't have the German language skills to effectively explain the written documents. Ugh. Hence German lessons. Supposedly my spoken German is B1, so I should be sorta fluent by Christmas.

The resentment is what I fear as well...and I think you're right

19
You sound quite stressed and no, it does not seem to make much sense to go through all the hassle with childcare, when all the RAV money basically goes to pay for it. If you are only thinking about taking a year and not 15, I'd do it. It's not such a gap on the CV that would render you unemployable.

My husband is a stay at home parent and it's lovely that we don't have to rush in the mornings to get the little one ready for childcare, that I don't have to take time off or cancel meetings or trips due to illnesses or childcare issues. Would certainly be significantly more stressful if we were both working full time.

20
Certainly no right or wrong answer here.

How would your husband feel about giving up his career to allowing you the chance to go back?

How would your husband feel about having to do more around the house, children, day to day stuff, in order to give you a chance to go back?

What if you and husband were equally good at respective jobs, equally paid, and equally keen to progress? Would you find it 'normal' that you, as the mother, would take 1 or 100 steps back to be with the children and take the stress of his shoulders?

All interesting questions- again, no right or wrong answer. The above applied to both sil and oldest daughter- and they both came to the same conclusion (but yes, it takes enormous organisation and does lead to stress. Some people thrive on it, some not).

When I went for an interview for my Uni place- the (female!) lecturer who interviewed me knew my OH and how hard he was working. She asked me 'how does your husband feel about you going back to full-time study. With his work, he will resent having to become more involved with children and home, won't he?'

I was steaming, and I told her it was none of her business how we organised ourselves- and that yes, we were both fully aware my going back to study would mean a lot of re-organisation, but that he supporting me fully and totally and knew it was so important to me. She apologised- but looking back, she had a point- it was not easy. But for us, it was the making of our family in many ways- and the girls were so so proud to hold my hand on Graduation day and have their picture in the paper- and later on thoughout my career. They said again and again they would have hated me to be a 'housewife'- Stepford wife they called it even, lol. Each to their own. Bonne chance.