Question for those with a Swiss spouse

Family, Education, Health and Pets
1
How often do you need/like to go back to your "homeland"? (If indeed at all)

In the event of a tragedy here - would you have the kind of support and love you'd have back home?

I think those of us married to a Swiss are in a slightly different situation to expats out here both of whom are non-Swiss.

I've been here for 10 years - we spend every other Christmas in the UK. I have to admit - I find the holiday period slightly challenging here on CH - mainly because I miss my family and friends dearly. This has been really brought home recently with my best friend going through a terrible time and not being able to simply pop over and see her. Skype and phone are great - but nothing beats actually sitting and drinking a cuppa with someone!

When I look at my average year - I see that I fly back to the UK around 5 times a year. This may seem alot - but I realise that actually I need to do this in order to maintain some kind of a balance. I realise that with my parents, brother, sister, niece. nephew, cousins, friends - that I'm just not willing to decrease visits.

Although I know quite a few people here - it hasn't been so easy to cultivate true friendships - and my closest friends remain in the UK and Australia.

I was discussing this with hubby this evening. He was off out to meet a friend he's known his whole life for a drink in the city. Feeling slightly sorry for myself I told him he was so lucky to just be able to go and meet up like that with a good friend, for the price of a tram ticket.

My oldest and closest friend in the UK is going through a huge crisis right now - her hubby (age 40 - who I've also known most of my life) has been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkinsons lymphoma - it's v. aggressive. They have 3 kids under 10 (who call me aunty Steph) and I'm flying over to help them out and just be there for 5 days in January.

Hubby wasn't 100% thrilled about it - and that's the point. Sometimes it seems, especially if you've been here a long time - they seem to forget that your roots and loved ones are actually far away - not here.

Fortunately I have a job and my own money (to a degree) so the freedom to just take off as long as I organise it properly.

This and the fact that a friend here in CH recently lost her husband at a young age (only 43) and also hearing about several other people who are sick really does set me thinking. If/when I go through sickness and old age - who would truly be there? When I really reflect on it - the kind of care and love, the warm familiarity that would I imagine help at such a time - could only come from my family and close circle of friends - none of whom live here.

Sorry - it's turned into rather a depressing sounding thread - but I'm curious to know how others married to Swiss feel about this?

2
It more complicated for me, as my 'Swiss' spouse was from Toronto, but really we only went to NA every 5 years or so (I am from CT). My younger daughter, on the other hand, has been going once or twice a year since she started her apprenticeship (and has money as she, unlike her older sister, is frugal).

But, my kids are here, my step kids are here, my home is here.

So, I think it has less to do with where your spouse is from, and more to do with what you view as home.

Tom

3
im engaged to a Swissie.

My family comes here now (mom dad sister and brother) to celebrate. Im not a big family man tho (uncles etc.....) so I find it perfect.

Then again im Belgium so home home isnt far away at all!

4
Well, if you stick around here long enough you'll find that you have no family left in your homeland other than nephews and nieces who don't really know you anyway and the close friends who might have been there for you twenty, thirty years ago, now have more than enough troubles of their own.

There are a couple of Threads with the situtation the other way round. How do you cope when your parents are getting on or how do you cope with a death while you are so far away . Different situation. Similar sort of problem though. You take your choice and pay for it.

These days I go to GB perhaps once a year. It isn't home for me now. I usually see a relative or two, a school friend or two. A bit of English scenery. If I go to Yorkshire I see more cousins in the one trip as that branch of the family mostly live pretty close to each other. The others are really scattered so I see fewer. I keep in touch with a lot of folk by letter (these days mostly emails) so if I am in one region I might get in touch with everyone around there. It's lovely to see them and chat about what they are doing but 'helping each other' the way the OP means it, I don't think that's on the cards any more. A person of dual-nationality without a homeland.

5
I will always have my British roots and will never lose my British identity. I will, also, remain here for the foreseeable future, maybe 'til I die (who knows?), and will probably never be completely "Swissed". Over the years, I have lived and worked (previously), in different locations within England and abroad. Because of this lifestyle, new friendships are forged and old ties slowly (unintentionally) become cut. In each situation I have found myself surrounded by some very good friends, colleagues and acquaintances, that were part of that time and place. Despite the best intentions, I have found it almost impossible, with time and distance, to maintain the majority of these connections - this is accepted by all concerned - so I find myself unable to directly relate to the consoling aspect of your enquiries. I have accepted that the book of my life, consists of several vaguely- and un- related chapters.

Outside of family there is no one that would require me to visit them, as in most cases there is little or no contact.

As for family, in 10 yrs, I have returned 3 times -- 2 for family occasions, and one just because it was time for a visit; and my mother has had 4 visits here. I have phone contact with my 2 brothers, but we have our own lives to lead, and no one feels put out if we haven't seen each other or spoken for a while. However as my mother becomes older, with the negative aspects that that entails, I may have to consider a visit next year (possibly/probably alone), to assist with any changes that may be required.

6
It seems It doesn't matter how long you have lived here, you still have a history and roots somewhere else and for some this is much further than the UK making it more difficult and expensive to make frequent visits. I do my best, but I have missed out on so much. With every choice we pay a price. I am really lucky that my husband understands how I feel and he really enjoys visiting my family and friends back "home." (in addition to the shopping: )

7

Many things in these posts sound so familiar. Good to know it's not unique to me.

I am separated from my Swiss husband and feel the loss of my old roots and my more recent ones, now, too. Am struggling to build a quite new identity which has its highs and lows.

Nothing is constant in life except change. We have to be flexible and try to move with it.

8
I'm the OP for that thread & I wrote that a year ago. Since then, I haven't been back though plan to do so (alone) in march.

You do have to be careful & not blame the one you're with for your situation, because you can't have it both ways. Your spouse married you & not your family & its dangerous to build up anger against him/her for the simple reason that geographically, (even if you have the money) there is not here.

Your spouse may seem like he doesn't think of your situation here but he would also not want you to leave him. If he kept asking you if you missed home wouldn't you start asking yourself if he wanted you to leave him & go back?

Recently I had a bit of a rough time, strange because there wasn't really anything obvious here that was causing it so I just let myself sink into a small depression. Then I realised how much I'm needed. You just cannot work that out with the Swiss but I imagine that's probably how it is for you.

I sympathise with your friends situation though I must say.

9
My family (in the UK) and I have made huge efforts over the years to maintain a close relationship. I have a 9 year old son - and I can say that his relationship with his aunties, uncles, grandparents and cousins in the UK is much closer than his relationship with his Swiss side here. (Not through lack of willingness from our side to build a relationship with them here - they are just different people and seem to be quite distant from one another)

I do understand that in life, you make your life wherever you are. I left the UK aged 21 and lived in Australia and Asia for 8 years before moving to Switzerland. Usually I'm a pretty upbeat, positive person. But I think the loss and illness - suddenly really feeling the geographical distance, combined with the quiet holiday period and some moments of missing friends and some unusually big resistance to watching another movie dubbed in German on TV kind of got to me.

10
Well, you can always switch the flick into the original version, can't you now..

It's not about a local partner, I don't think. It can be about also an immigrant partner who just had more chance than you to make it a home here, since he has been here for a lot longer and you weren't. It can be about anyone who feels homesick, really, not only about long term residents, etc.

And, most of all, it does not have to be about being sick and old age approching, with all the other worries, kids leaving the nest, and everything else that comes with it.

I think it is also rough for young moms who just moved in and have their kid. It is sad to be removed from their families, unable to share the family joy. A few visits a year don't make up for it, really. Family is an important thing in one's life, friends too. Not only for the positive bits, having kids learn from older relatives and close family, but also for the rough patches when one needs help.

I hear you on the slight "autistic" trait of the society here. It is a hard one to get used to.

11
Oh I understand. Being from Australia I can't return home so frequently. My husband and swiss family here are very loving but it's just not quite the same. I say to my husband too, whenever he complains about visiting his parents yet again that he is lucky he can easily see his parents!

However I believe that true friendship and love covers distance. There are terribly sad moments but you can also look forward to and cherish the visits home. I will never forget my roots and hope to continue to maintain the contact with my dear friends in Australia.

12
I go back home twice a year. We are a very close family so no amount of time or distance will change anything and i didnt have many friends to begin with anw. OH is from the UK and goes back just once. Hopefully more now that he met me as i love the country.

As for Christmas, i agree that to spend it with family is better. I refuse to spend the holidays anywhere else except in Cyprus due to all the fuss we make of the day. OH agrees so thats one less reason to disagree

13
I agree with Longbyt, after many years where you are becomes your home. In fact you might even get culture shock when you do return to your country of origin as you evolve and take on the colors of your adopted home.

Also.. many people can't return later on in life because something they rarely thought of may have happened: their children's roots.

By raising children in their adopted country, the littles ones embrace the culture as their own. A child brought up by anglo-saxon parents but born here will feel deeply Swiss. They grow up and marry and you may find that you do have true roots via them and their future.

14
And even if you do go back prepared for the culture shock, when you get there you may find you can't 'feed your roots' which have got a bit shrivelled up anyway as they've built a motorway where your memories were. Concerning personal contacts, the inpats (as opposed to expats) don't speak the same language as you did when you lived there and certainly not the same language as you speak now. Sometimes one can feel 'lonelier' in one's homeland than when one is here, hankering after it.

I'm pretty sure I'm happier here than I would have been had I stayed in England though so I'll just enjoy the odd week in GB and the happy memories of my childhood and teens there but live my life to the full with friends and family here.

15
I wish I could relate or even empathise with you. I've been moved out and away from my family for the past 20 years, when I first joined the military. I've not had the same set of friends for more than 5 years at a time, either because they move away or I move away. I don't even know what 'home' is anymore, because even my parents have moved away from where I grew up.

Through the grace of Facebook, I've reconnected with a lot of mates from school, and old friends over the years, but the relationships with the people in my past are largely superficial, while the relationships with the people in my present are much more tacit and appreciable.

For me, because of this, it is much easier to adapt to a new location because I have no ties to the old one, and it is typical for me to only visit my family once a year, or even to skip a visit and go every other year.

In my situation, it has always been about living in the NOW and letting go of the PAST. However, I value and envy your predicament. I wish I had the ambition to want to go back 'home' and visit 5 times a year, and to get caught up in the drama of my family's goings on. I just found out on Christmas day that my cousin got divorced and remarried in 2010. I completely missed out on that.

So, to you I say, don't lose what you have. Yet, I also think that if you have a husband in CH, that it is important to learn to live in the now with him, and adapt to your new, Swiss life. There will have to be an emotional trade off somewhere.

Just my 2p.

16
Thank you for your post which really struck a chord with me. I'm also married to a Swiss and have been here many years now.

I go back to England at least 4 times a year which is for me a minimum. Unlike many people on the forum I have never really felt Swiss and just need to go home and see people on a regular basis. It can be pretty frustrating though. You just start getting used to life there again and then it's time to come home. When I could arrange it I would want to go over for 6 months or so.

In the event of a tragedy I would get a lot of support here. More than in England to be honest.

Like you said having a Swiss partner means they never really understand the English part of you. Whats more they expect you to adapt to Swiss ways after a while.

17
Sometimes something small like that sets me off too. At least my wife recognizes the signs and supports me in booking the flight to Manchester

18
No, this is true only if you are both obstinate and refuse to see the other's point of view.

Besides, being from New England, the Swiss way is what I'm used to (not knowing your neighbors for the first 10 years, for example).

And I LIKE Swiss ways, albeit 'Swiss' ways here are very different than those on the north side!

Tom

19
I don't think 'seeing' goes quite as deep as 'understanding'. I think Mr L 'sees' and 'accepts' the English part of me OK, but 'understanding' - well, I don't understand it myself so how on earth could he be expected to.

20
It's also possibly connected with our individual characters and family/cultural background too, regardless of nationality.

I really like the way I was brought up. I like the fact that I grow up in a house where literally the door was always open, we had people dropping by almost everyday, just for a cuppa tea or a chat. Complete open door policy. No appointments necessary - New Years Eve, the whole street was open house - the whole neighbourhood. In times of difficulty, no-one had to even check, people just turned up with home-made soup.

Emotions all shown very openly, I have many memories of people laughing and crying in my mothers kitchen! So much hustle and bustle, milkman at the door, hairdresser cutting someones hair in the kitchen, another cup of tea, a chat and a laugh.

No man was an island! That's how I grew up. Yes, it does have it's drawbacks - it could feel suffocating at times, and I think that's why i did leave. But you were sort of weaved into this fabric of family, friends, community, that perhaps is or was typical of a working class up-bringing in an English northern town.

Things are different here. Much emphasis is given to "independence" and the giving of "space". When I gave birth to our son - my MIL stayed away for days to "give us space". This of course can be seen positively or negatively. For me, I was so much expecting to be taken over by a tidal wave of visitors - that when it didn't happen I felt bewildered.

But there is much I can now appreciate about the Swiss way. At the same time, there are somethings that I'll probably never understand. The whole thing about making appointments (even to see your own family). The fact that it is SO very difficult to be invited casually into a Swiss neighbours house......sometimes the independence can manifest as an awkward distance and lead to so much heartbreak (as I recently witnessed at a funeral - I won't go into the story here as it's someone elses life and business)

I don't feel rootless here. I have actually made a pretty stable, good life here and appreciate much about what CH has to offer. At the same time, sometimes I just miss the easy going, warm, humour, the friendliness of the place where I grew up. I think it'll always be the case!!