After spending the entire day job-hunting I felt quite down. The rain was happily pouring down, its hypnotic rhythm resembled that of impatient fingers tapping on my brain; tap, tap, tap, must, secure, a, job, soon,...tap, tap, trickle, tap...
So, in an effort not to slip into a downward spiral of negativity I decided to do a facial using a fresh egg and a lemon. Trips to a beauty salon have sadly been banned in light of my current situation. "It's such a frivolous way to spend money", the narcissist in me says, feeling only half re-assured.
Most of the jobs for which I have applied are in the Catering & Hospitality/ Event Management industry, therefore immaculate presentation is a pre-requisite. I doubt I'd be doing myself any favours were I to turn up for a job interview looking like a disillusioned tramp, now would I?
"The egg?" I hear you say. Well, after separating the yolk from the white, spread the white onto a recently washed face and neck. Leave this mask to dry and while it does so, summon up the strength to gulp down the yolk.
Yes, fresh, raw egg yolk has marvellous health benefits when jobless - it forces one to evaluate the phrase, "Have some Dutch courage!", and whether, like ours, your bathroom really ought to have three wash basins since a 'his & hers' style leaves room for indecision: "Do I regurgitate in his wash basin, or mine? Best to swallow". And, besides, I'm not quite sure what the dumping policy is for yolks in our commune. Mmh? - Beat the fine and swallow.
If I hadn't successfully ingested that bulbous piece of yellow slime, then his wash basin would have been the target. He's at work and when not he complains about the incompetency of many of his colleagues. "Oh, to have a job and to talk fondly of my wonderful fellow staff!" (SIGH)
Once the mask is dry wash off with warm water, then pat lemon juice all over your face - paying close attention to your eyes. If you aren't already aware, LEMON JUICE STINGS. Allow it to get into your eyes and believe me, I'm known for being an adrenalin-busting junkie but, this is another level of absurdity. You'll be groping like a mad wo/man for the tap even though it's always been there, right - in - front - of - you.
When the lemon juice has dried and the palpitations have ceased, rinse your face with ice cold water. The final result should be an amazingly toned face, soft to the touch and all those pesky blackheads zapped into oblivion.
Now, where was I? Oh yes! Likely questions that the HR department might ask me, "So, Phoenix2, tell me about your strengths".
- Well,...(I know I can survive a splurge of lemon juice directed at my eyes and swallowing egg yolks helps remind me that I have a football pitch's worth of intestines located in my belly)....I believe....
P.S. I cannot be held accountable for any allergic reactions caused by the two natural ingredients referred to in this story.