Don't forget females lie less but they are bigger lies.
Just little lies
Thanks for your wisdom and insight, guru of the complex workings of manlihood and justification.
Having children is something you both need to be prepared for, your going to need each other more than you have ever done before with kids on the run, as expats with no immediate family locally.
Having kids is also a MAJOR life changing experience; your entire outlook on life changes; you see things you never saw before and see the things you did differently.
Having children also teaches you the real meaning of the word love; ok you love your husband; but you will LOVE your kids! it is like going from a life in black and white to a life in colour!
I have a daughter and a son and I would not part with them for all the money in the world, they are priceless in every sense of the word. You dont want to leave it any longer then you have; think about it, even if you conceieve tommorrow he will be 40 before the baby is born .. (ok may be almost 40 for those nit picking readers)?
But wait; if he doesn't want have children then as somebody already said it is not good to push him on this. Talk about it together, what does he think he will not be able to afford that he wants if he has kids...
Ok deep breath taken, pressure gauges reading "green" again.
I really did not want to savage you but I see so many people linking children with the question of money.
It is not about enough money it never was, it is a question of enough love, the two are not interchangeable you can have children without money but without love one should remain childless and I speak from experience as I went hungry before my daughter did.
Again no offense, just having a bad hair day.
A few thoughts from a man who was in a similar position.
As everyone has said examine your relationship carefully first, at 34 the fact is your clock is ticking louder than his.
CHf125k is enough to comfortably support a family in Switzerland, providing you are not expecting to continue your Dink (dinner out 2x week, ski 2x month, weekends away ect) lifestyle with kids. Some costs will go down, some new ones up, so money is not the issue.
The issue is time and timing. Ask him :
What did you want to do achieve by 40 that you haven't?
Does he have time with work commitments for children? If he is working 60hr weeks to earn his salary then he is going to feel a hell of a lot of pressure to continue and won't have time or energy for you and the kids. The other end of this is he has spent 20 yrs working 60hr hr weeks and now in Switzerland finally works normal hours for a good salary and is loathe to give it away so soon.
Would it be easier for us to have kids in the UK with family support?
Where can we have the best lifestyle with kids? (arguably here, salaries are higher, public education is cheaper and it is generally safer imho)
And finally men are never really ready for kids, we just deal with them when they arrive, love them to death and wonder why we didn't have them earlier, too much planning in that area sends us back to our caves to avoid the conversation.
Someone wise (my mother) told me that if you plan to have children (i.e. wait until the time is "right"), you'll never have them.
There's an inverse form of Murphy's Law that applies here. Your budget will adapt to children. You'll just, well, manage. And probably quite well on your partner's income.
Have that frank conversation about commitment and his long-term desire to have children, then go for it (if all is well with your relationship).
Good luck. There is nothing in the world as wonderful as parenthood.
No, sorry. All people who have children earn more than 125k. In the history of the world. Didn't you know?
So you though you'd share that "you do, he doesn't" on a public internet forum Maybe you'd be better discussing it with him, and working out that if your at odd's over something as critical as starting a family, maybe you have some straight talking to do.
here's why: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/e...on/8481773.stm
Slammer, you and i don't disagree.
It is my partner who is linking children with the question of money, not me. This is why i put the issue to the forum for their thoughts.
I totally agree that one of the main issues is about love. I feel that i love my partner enough to have children with him. Perhaps his reservation about having children with me is that he doesn't feel the same way???
This is precisely something i need to discuss with him, hence one of the reasons why i wanted to seek others' opinions.
And your opinion, now, has been useful. So thanks.
By the way, hope you get your hair sorted.
True words! I've come across a few (broken) relationships where they thought that having children would bring them closer together. How wrong they were... To be perfectly honest, the stress of it all can sometimes shake the foundations of your relationship. Everything from who should change the baby, to the style of parenting, to who's turn it is to load the dishwasher can be so damned stressful and the source of strife after several weeks of sleep deprivation. BUT if you have a strong relationship you'll be fine.
Yes Papa Goose, i did think that i would share this issue on a public forum and yes, that is precisely what i have done.
And yes again, i do have some straight talking to do with my partner.
Many thanks for your help.
LOL - My husband is an engineer and I am an accountant - so while he looks at most everything logically, I do look at everything financially; but at times even the two can contradict each other.
The funniest thing is -
the simple fact that we first met each other 6,000 miles away from home at one point, held a long distance relationship for 5 years, broken up for another 5 years, then per fate met again and just got married; and with that I gave up a six-figure salary, a good life with a wonderful circle of friends and moved here to be a full-time housewife, and he needs to pick up the additional responsibility of supporting another person, is NEITHER LOGICAL or FINANCIALLY ADVANTAGEOUS.
AND we both agreed, day in day out, that it was the best decision we have ever made.
As cliche as it may sound - there are certain things in life that simply cannot (and should not) be over-rationalized. In my personal opinion, love, relationships and having children come on top of these "certain things".
People always have choices; the difficult thing, I find however, is to fully understand the consequences of the choices we made and be ready to live with them.
Just my two cents here...
Yep, it's simple enough - it's called the biological clock :-)
With 34 you don't have much more time to waste, honey, so either you get his agreement or you need to seriously start reconsidering your relationship.
I had my first at 34 and second at 38. And I felt that was in the nick of time.
Good luck!
If I read it correctly, he said that if you had a job already, he would go for it too. So he does want kids, but there is a bit of uncertainty due to the money issue.
Ok let me put it this way. Say you do have a job earning 100k per year or 60k after tax (extra tax burden with double income). Say you get pregnant 6 months in. So you will have a job for another 13 months. After that... going back to work would mean spending all your earning on daycare. So will it be a huge difference? My wife spent a lot of her income on clothes for work, spa, starbucks and a car which she didn't really need. Now, she is jobless but she spends a lot less on clothes, no need for stress relief spa and sold the car. She misses the extra cash a bit but also says that earning money costs money.
Don't forget that he will get a child/family allowance and this covers the cost of diapers at least.
Yes I agree a bit more money is nice. But I can also tell you that having children is priceless... In the end, money for me is not even the issue. It is all the other stuff that comes with parenthood.
I totally understand why it makes sense to think about it now already. We are trained from our teenage years to take precautions and so on as if 1 shot will result in pregnancy. But that is an exception. Sometimes it can take a couple of years...
Wise mothers think alike.... this is exactly what my mama has said to me...
What children really need is not lots of money (or what comes with it) but lots of love from their parents. Honestly, a baby couldn't care less if (s)h is dressed better than the next - the comfort and security offered by a mother's (or fathers) embrace far outweighs the material aspects.
Often it is us adults who sets boundaries for ourselves.
Be fair PG, sometimes you need a "third party's" view on things to see if you are being unfair or if there are other angles you haven't considered. The beauty of this is that it is somewhat anonymous, so most people will be "in your face" honest (not looking at you Slammer ).
Sure some of the views will be biased, but most people posting are providing different opinions and information - you included it should be added! - which may help the OP to discuss more openly with her other half.
c'mon.... it is the right time then...
Kimba1,
I am going to tell you straight of what I believe your situation is:
Your husband probably doesn't want children at the moment and possibly never (my reasons given already about on a man's perspective).
I should also add (you females are not going to like this) that us men actually crave attention and you females; once you have knocked out a child; tend to behave not even realising (correctly or incorrectly) that all your time should be devoted to the child and us men feel left out and bitter. Hence the affairs as soon as someone else gives us men attention.
You females often are less presentable ("tired", "no point making the effort in clothing as not practical for looking after child").
Physically, you females think that it is OK to have a couple of extra inches round your waste "because I have had a baby" and end up (more offense) having a looser virgina because you cannot be bothered to do the exercises.
You are in a position (age) that you need to have a baby soon.
Your problem is that if he doesn't want a child and you really do, you might need to end the relationship and find somebody who does want a child.
However, what is going round in your head is that, it might take some time to find somebody and then this male might still not want children and you are back to square one.
Money appears to be an imporatant factor to you and the next man might not be able to provide that either.
I just hope that you want a child because you really do want to bring a child up with a partner and not that it is because it is part of the accesories to life ("Sheep syndrome") or that you are bored.
You need to have a serious honest chat with your other half and lay your cards on the table.
Tell those first-time moms this when you seem them spending sacks of cash on all new gear that will be worn or used a few times before it's tossed. What's wrong with second hand stuff?
I think you'll find she has said several times that money is the factor for her partner not her
I really admire your honesty cashboy but I really do not think the majority of men in the word think the same way as your post above - what a vain disgusting life it would be if that were the case - oh and not forgetting chauvinistic