I've been in GE for 3 years now and I'm feeling very alone and desperate and depressed. I came back yesterday from a week away and have not felt this bad for a long time. I haven't stopped crying since I landed.
Everything is getting on top me and I don't know where to turn next. I got dumped a few days ago by a girl who I thought was amazing but she had some issues with an ex boyfriend she didn't tell me about and decided to try with him instead. She dangled me for 4 weeks and we split up 3 times and each time I went back for more of an emotional beating since I thought she was worth it. I gave her everything I had emotionally and now I have nothing left for myself. Empty. Obviously I was taken for a ride and this is probably a big part of how I am feeling inside. Rejected. I feel things very deeply and am not coping very well. I used to cut myself when I was younger and 2 nights ago, I started again, after 12 years which is making me feel very frightened. I have been researching suicide on the internet and have been unable to sleep without tablets. Can't stop shaking. Am going to the doctor again this afternoon and I feel I need stronger tablets to help me cope, but I am afraid of having too many chemicals in the flat since I drink alot as well and am afraid of finding them in a weak moment, of which there are many. I have spoken to friends both here and abroad and also the Samaritans in the UK but friends cannot be there 24/7 and I am feeling this all the time and I think its getting worse. Samaritans, although they mean well, were not much use. I just cried into the phone and they made comforting noises. The only person who knows how I am feeling is her, since we shared ourselves very closely but she is gone now and we agreed not to be friends. After several acrimonious conversations and texts, she dumped me over the phone and I ended up sending her a message yesteday wishing her well and sorry and hope things work out. She responded to take care and I keep reading it over and over again, imagining this is a dream and that things are Ok. Then I wake up and they are clearly not. It is easier to hate her but there's too much hate inside me, rotting my broken heart already. I am full of dark images.
Was unable to go into work today and previously was just crying at my desk and trying to hide it, which is not professional. Likewise, I hate being on my own in the flat in the middle of nowhere.
I think I need to speak to someone impartial or maybe even get myself into a hospital to stop me doing something stupid. I am terrified and don't know what the next step should be. I was tryingto motivate myself by running longer and longer but found I would actually break down mid-run and start sobbing in the middle of a wood somewhere and wonder what it would be like to die there on the spot and who would find me the next day, or how long it would take them to miss me.
My family care about me but they are in the UK and I just saw them but was unable to tell me how I feel, typically English and closed and a bit embarassed by feelings. My mum listened and made coo-ing noises and my father switched off and watched telly while I stabbed a knife into my leg to see if anyone would notice. They didn't. I told everyone it was a cat scratch and only one friend, who knows I used to self-harm, noticed and said something.
Does anyone know any english-speaking counsellors or advice places I can go, or stay and get some help? My french is not good enough to do it in another language and I was considering asking to be put into a hospital, which I don't know is covered by my Intras and I can't afford megabucks to go to a private clinic.
I am so sorry you feel like this. The only real suggestion I can make is that you DO go to see the doctor this afternoon and that you DO tell him exactly how you feel. Don't cover it up and make light of anything, even if you feel uncomfortable about it. This is a serious situation and you need support.
There are certainly places where you can be helped in Geneva but the first thing now is to keep that appointment with the doctor.
I hope the assistance he gives will improve things for you soon.
as with above the first thing to do is get to your doctor and say how you feel... in addition there is a great therapist at the Eccumenical Center up near the UN... phone there and ask for Thea Marais...please. . http://www.oikoumene.org/en/home.html p.s.. if you are not a fan of churchs.. she is at the church center but not directly part of it. ( does that make any sense )
You say you have an appointment with your doctor this afternoon for more sleeping tablets. You should be totally honest with him/her and tell him or her how you are feeling. Really feeling. They should be your key to getting you on the road to recovery and perhaps sleeping tablets are not the answer.
They will have all the help you need at their finger tips and will be able to take some of this burden off your shoulders. You shouldn't have to live like this. Crying isn't a bad thing and, for the time being, I think it is good that you can let it all out and may even make you feel a little better for a while.
You may not feel like it but try to get yourself wrapped up and go out for a short walk in the fresh air to clear your head.
Just posting as a reach-out kinda thing; I don't know Geneva, I am in Basel. Hope someone comes in that can give more practical assisance.
It took me many, many, many years to a) learn and b) adjust myself to the fact that emotional reliance on another person is a Bad Thing. Family/Girlfriends, they all have their own lives.
Whilst I am in the same place as you (possibly for longer - I don't know how old you are), self-harm never occurred to me. And as for the chemicals, I soon stopped taking the pills the psychiatrist prescribed. But that's me being stubborn, probably. I think what happened to me is I reached an age where I just decided, what the hell, may as well just see life through. It's still a daily fight, tho', with black periods.
I HAVE over the years built up a circle of mates who, sometimes, can be called upon to get me out of it. You are, from what I gather, isolated. Hope someone in Geneva gets in touch soon...
Firstly as other posters have said, go to your Doctor and try and be open. Secondly looking at your public profile, you like SNAKES, GUITAR, READING, WALKING, CINEMA, you are 34 years old. As an older guy, we have all been in your shoes, looking back at my life and sometimes you think why me, relationships have not turned out as you had perhaps hoped, in a strange country and so on, so you are not alone. The advise that I can give is that it does get much better, but it will take time.
Focus on what will make you happier in the short term a step by step approach, each day building on the sucesses of the last day. Keep a diary or a notebook and write your thoughts and plans in it. Then when things are moving better, set goals for the long term, have a plan of where you want to be in one year, three years and five years time. Then make it happen and live your dream .
I've heard goods things about Joanna at Geneva Counselling . Excellent credentials and lots of experience. You can call her on 078 805 7374. It might be easier for you to talk to a counsellor at this point in time than a doctor, because the environment is normally a lot more comfortable. And trained counsellors will also be able to advise you on whether you need medical help or not.
Did you try joining a gym ? Lots of excersize releases endorfines which is a natural 'make happy' drug. Plus you can maybe find a new girlfriend there ?
Joining gym is a good idea but not for finding girlfriends (not yet anyway). Momus needs to be happy with himself before he looks for another girlfriend.
Go and see someone professional Momus and stop cutting yourself. It's an order from doctor devil
On top of the suggestions others have made, hopefully your GP will be able to refer you to a suitable place. I don't know about clinics but I'm sure your health insurance will cover counselling as long as your GP refers you. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time but once you've seen the doctor help will be on it's way. Good Luck and keep in touch to let us know you're okay.
You list GUITAR in your profile. Possible idea for the longer-term: look at music shop pin boards or online for bands looking for a second guitarist. I did that. Took nearly a year, tho', maybe Geneva has more musicians?
I am sorry you are feeling this way, and the only way to get help is to go to your Doctor show him/her the scars from where you have been self harming tell your Doctor EVERYTHING about how you are feeling suicidal drinking e.t.c and i am sure your Doctor will be able to find you a place where you can stay and get proper treatment and help, it may take sometime, but in the end you will be treated and your feelings about self harming, and suicide will go away. Your insurance should cover your medical bills, so please don`t let that stop you from getting the help you need.
I think there are very few people here who have not had a similar problem at some point here in Switzerland. If you search the forum you will see stories of people moving here for a partner and then being dumped as they move, people who lived with a partner here for a while and ended up breaking up and feeling alone and without friends. There are also stories on the forum about people who have gone through divorces here. You might find some of these stories inspirational as, as far as I can make out everyone one I can see has picked them selves up and come out the other side feeling better for the experience.
If we don't have times of hardship it is difficult to appreciate the good times. The roller coaster ride allows for highs and lows. Unfortunately it means we do have to take the lows too.
Keep your chin up, I know its a cliché but life will get better. Here's the hard part though, you need to be proactive in making your life better. Get out, make friends, join a club, go to a social event, take up a sport. Do anything where you can meet people and start to enjoy what is around you.
About two years ago I was very depressed here, I nearly lost all that was important to me because I was in a hole and couldn't see the wood from the trees, it took me making a concious decision to dig myself out of the hole and go after happiness to sort things out. A positive attitude can go a long way.
Please take some solace in the fact that many many people go through this and come out the other side. Be strong in yourself and go get some help if you need it.
Well done for posting your long and personal message. That's a very important step that shows you want to get better.
I was in a similar situation a year ago and wanted the world to end. Good job no-one granted that wish.
Time will help. You know this already from previous break-ups. But like other people have said, you should fill the time with healthy pursuits and keep busy. Is there a hobby you wanted to try but never had time? Ever wanted to write a book? (It's national novel writing month over at www.nanowrimo.com . You'll be starting too late but at least you can still try to do it within one month of your start date.)
Buy yourself presents. You deserve it.
Talk to your friends. Do tell your closest colleagues and they'll support you too. Stiff upper lip and keep working - you're a professional, right? Then bury emotion and keep serving the customers.
Others have said it, but when you're going through something like this, as many voices as you can hear speaking to you, the better.
Go to a Doctor. Don't give up on yourself. Emotional health is like any other kind of health. You ignore it, and treat yourself badly for long enough and it does catch up with you.
But the first step is the hardest. Being open enough to admit the problem is excruciatingly hard. You're doing that. You're braver than a hell of a lot of people.
Take a deep breath. Fill your life with little things that add meaning, whether its reading a book you're enjoying, or finding a musician whose music speaks to you, or going for a walk. The tiny seemingly trivial things can bring an astonishing amount of peace- a little -you- time.
Good luck to you, and remember that there are people who would be saddened, hurt and disappointed if you were no longer here. People do care.
Count how many people have shown you that care in the 1.5 hours since you posted that message, whether here on by PM. All of them invested themselves in your recovery.