There's a strong possibility that my boyfriend and I will be moving to Basel in the next couple of months. I'm really excited by the prospect, but he's far more reluctant than me and I'm looking to get some advice from people who may have been in a similar situation - where the "trailing spouse" isn't quite so up for the move.
This has to be right for both of us and at the moment I think he's semi-hoping nothing comes of all this and we stay put in England. I've got a final stage interview and the company will pay for me and my boyfriend to visit Basel, so we'll probably go on a Friday and meet the company etc and then spend the weekend checking out the city and I'm hoping this will open his mind a little to the idea of living there (or I guess we could both hate it and completely go off the idea).
I would imagine that several people relocating have a situation whereby one person in the relationship wants to go and the other doesn't. How did you make it work? What was the clincher? What was the compromise? What happened when you got there? Did s/he hate it? Do they want to go home? Or do they now like it?
In my mind, it's a great opportunity to experience life in a different country, learn new languages, do something different, if only for a couple of years. At the moment, he's dreading the idea of it, which I can understand as he'll be the one needing/hunting for a job and has never spoken German before in his life!
Thanks in advance guys!
NM123
PS. I've read through the Tips for Trailing Spouses Thread!
I am a trainling spouse and have been in Zug for just over two months now and I love it.
I jumped at the chance when my wife accepted her new job. Yeah its different but thats what I enjoy about it here. I'm meeting new people, visiting new places and learing the lingo...slowly.
Tell him to pull his finger out and take the plunge.
Use the old folks home approach... Later when he is sitting in the old folks home looking back on his life he will surely regret not having made the step. It is better to give it a try and to return to England desillusioned than not trying it at all and wondering for the rest of your life whether you made a big mistake not having grabbed the opportunity
Yesterday I went to the tennis club in Zug to watch my better-half playing the ladies first league Interclub. We went there by car and the entire area looked so awesome with gorgeous mountains surrounding it.
I was enthusiastic about being a trailing spouse but still had lots of challenges to face, not the least of which was the changed dynamics between my partner and me. He spoke German and I didn't, so a lot of the daily life nitty-gritty fell on his shoulders - a power shift was felt which affected our relationship.
Since both of you don't know German, it could be more equal - provided your BF agrees completely to the move. But then again, you'll have a job and he won't as yet. That could prove to be the factor in possible changes between the two of you. It's good to be aware of these things but it doesn't mean it'll be any less challenging.
Good luck in winning him over to the idea. It's a great adventure after all and a great opportunity for personal growth.
Welcome to the EF. I guess it is good to talk about it and eventually one trailing spouse has to compromise. I would sit down and try to discuss cons and pros of such move. It is never easy but better to put all the cards on the table and find out what might be a stake of such decision.
Thing is, the job came completely out of the blue (I was approached by an agency) when I wasn't even thinking of leaving my current job, so it's all a bit of a shock and Switzerland is somewhere we'd never really thought about in terms of going on holiday even, let alone living there!
I think the main crux is his ability to work over there. I've posted a couple of times about jobs for carpenters, but am still none the wiser as to whether he'd get by without English. Things are slow for his work at the moment and it drives him bonkers not having work.
He's also worried that the strain of it would put pressure on our relationship and be the worst thing we've ever done. I try and remind him that it could be the best thing ever too.
Also, as we currently rent our flat, giving that up means we'd have no base back in the UK and would need to rely on friends or parents when we visit home.
We're just sorting out our reccy trip / final interview, so I think I'd like to see if we can meet up with some other people in Basel who have made the move and speak to them and see how they find it.
It's pretty scary all this! Thanks for your support - this forum seems really friendly!
Does your partner have a realistic chance of finding work here in the long term? If he is reluctant, gives up his job, doesn't fit in, or like it here, it will be a big strain. It's him who will have it hardest here with no work or colleagues for support. I wouldn't underestimate that.
You however will have a new job, a challenge, money.
This is probably the main issue. At the moment I don't think he's in the right frame of mind to start talking to companies and seeing if he can get work (because at the moment, he's not ready for this to be real).
I know, I'll have the job in an English-speaking environment and won't have to job-hunt or worry about the language.
I'm still waiting to see what the salary will be, but it could well be enough to support both us - although I think he would want to earn his own keep too.
What's his area? If it's something like banking or technical or IT, for example, he might find a job not needing to have the local language. As a long shot, he could do a "teaching English as a foreign language" qualification and come over and apply for teaching posts or even offer private tutoring.
Just to chime with my and my fiancé's experience.
She was also bit reluctant to leave her home country, friends and family behind, but love conquered all and she came along. However, she still misses her home country, but does have an okay job with nice colleagues. So life is not all that bad, plus in general we are better off here. Personally, I also had to weigh all the consequences about moving to CH, but overall the longterm life improvement for us both and having a good job, was too overwhelming in the decision process. Moving here is still not a choice that I regret making.
However, I would say in your situation, yes, you personally might have it easy integrating. But, he will have difficulties.
As his profession is carpentry, and he does not speak the language, there will be issues for him to find suitable work. Added to this fact, no matter how much the Swiss would not like to admit it, the recession is also hitting here and many (craft)workers are getting laid off, making it harder to find work. If he goes to an employer in his field, and the employer has a choice between a German speaking carpenter or your non-German speaking boyfriend, the choice is obviously not your boyfriend.
I can understand why he is worried, I would be too. But, it would help if you try to get some leads for work for him already.. that would improve his spirits...
Never say never but because of the apprenticeship system which channels school leavers into the skilled trades, there's no shortage of carpenters here so without language skills, it will be an uphill struggle for him to get a job. He might try to find work as a self employed english speaking freelance for the expat community but that's unlikely to provide steady employment.
Which brings me to another point. Although your title says trailing "spouse" you call him your boyfriend. That means he'll have to get a permit on a standalone basis which in turn means he'll need a job or prove he has sufficent independent financial means from self employment to support himself. Unless you're married, your permit won't automatically allow him to follow you except in exceptional circumstances because family reunification rules only apply to spouses. Without a permit, he would be able to enter Switzerland for three months for job hunting purposes. If he didn't find one within that time he could apply for a short term residence permit for a further three months of job searching.
The "financial means" really depends on the area and canton you live in, but count on generally 65K CHF or more, as your combined income.
As for the permit thing, my fiance and I were signed in at the same time and she was listed on my permit application as my partner, which made it easier for her to both get the permit and stay more than three months. When she finally had a job, the actual permit was issued without issues, up until that point in time, we only had a paper approval with my name on it and that I was bringing her along.
However, again rules are slightly different from canton to canton, I needed fx to prove we had been living together on the same address more than three years.
Yes, the rules also apply to EU passport holder... the rules are less strict for EU countries, than non-EU... but remember.. Switzerland is not part of the EU, just because we opened the borders according to the Schengen agreement.
What PeterDB said. The law doesn't actually put a hard number on how much you need to prove you can support yourself. It just defines it in terms of being able to live and pay health and accident insurance without claiming social welfare. Comments I've seen say not less than CHF 55,000 pa.
Getting a permit for an unmarried partner is a case by case exception and at each canton's discretion so conditions aren't set down. But as a minimum, as PeterDB says, you have to demonstrate you've been in a long term relationship. Some others have said they've had to supply evidence of previous long term cohabitation as well as long term relationship. You won't know until you ask.
I wasn't trying to discourage you - just trying to give you a heads up that it isn't automatic and there will be additional hoops to go through over and above whether your boyfriend can get a job.
Thanks to PeterDB. It's good to hear first hand feedback on this. This seems to crop up quite frequently.
I can relate to your dilemma somewhat. I was reluctant trailing spouse when we relocated from England over an year and half ago. I didn't want to move AGAIN (since I had already relocated to England 5 years ago and it wasn't an amazing experience overall).
However, Zurich ... and I imagine Basel too,has been is no way like my last move to England. I have found it lovely to live here and made new friends real quick. People are really nice (mostly) and do make the effort to know you (which I didn't find when I moved to London). Infact, my other half is now ready to go back and I am wanting to stay on! :P
Why do so many couples feel they are joined at the hip? Why can't you come over without him first & see if you like it? It sounds to me like he really doesn't want to come and no matter how much you try to persuade him in the end you are (kind of) giving him an ultimatum which is selfish.
Switzerland and it's culture are unique, definitely difficult in terms of it's language and in my opinion Basel is a place you like or you don't so if (especially) he doesn't then ask yourself how complicated you want to make your relationship as you tell us you are happy now?
Basel is near enough (& cheap to fly to the UK from) to fly back often and fairly easy to find somewhere to rent/flatshare for a period of time (say 6 months). He could visit you too & get to know the City/Switzerland without thinking he has to move yet & meanwhile having time to see if he likes it.
Finding work here is just as hard as anywhere in Europe at the moment & he sounds quite independent so he will find it hard to live off of you, I would really think more about what is best.
I'm glad you pointed out some of the hurdles (I prefer "hurdles" to obstacles) that we may face as we need to be realistic about all of this.
If I do get the job and decide to move, it's highly likely that my BF will stay put in England at least during the summer (as that's his busiest time). So if he comes out to visit now and then, when does the 3 months job-hunting begin? It wouldn't be much use to us if he comes out once a month between Aug and Sept and then relocates in Nov........
I guess I need to look into this stuff a bit more, I was more initially concerned about encouraging him it would all be a good idea to relocate to Switzerland.
Gosh, didn't expect to be told I was being selfish...
This is a really tough call for me (great career opportunity, always wanted to live/work abroad vs ensuring my BF is also happy), hence why I'm posting. I know it's a big ask of him which is why I need to ensure it's right for us both. My gut feeling is that we could make it work, and that he's just scared about it all rather than purely not wanting to go.