Okay, here is my dilemma, my child who is about 22 months has a much stronger personality then me. I am so laid back and relaxed and just sweetly natured about everything. Her father is very strong willed and can be stubborn, however so that is where she gets it. My main problem (for now, don't even get me started about her being a teenager ) is that we like to go on walks. We have two little dogs so we go out three times a day at least. However she refuses to walk with me. She either lags way behind or runs off along the sides. Being an American I am wary about letting her very far from me, for obvious reasons. If I try the "Okay, Bye" trick, she looks at me and runs the other way. I call her and she doesn't seem to care. I have tried getting her in trouble. For instance when she does not come to my calling, I go to her and pick her up and tell her she cannot walk now, since she is not listening. SHE LAUGHS AT ME!! I tell her no firmly, she laughs. I see these nice families out for walks, and walking in town and their toddlers stay right with them, and I can't help but thinking What am I doing wrong? I do realize this could be a part of the so called "terrible twos" however she has always had a bit of a strong willed personality. I can't help but feel like sometimes she pushes me around a bit because I am so laid back. I am terrified of her turning into a brat! She is so smart, and knows the things she cannot do, however some days she just tries and tries her boundaries and I am exhausted at the end of the day. Of course when my husband gets home she is excited to see him and is sweet and he doesn't understand why I am upset or frustrated. If this is only terrible twos I would be so grateful! Since that means it will only last one more year, but I just doubt it!! Any seasoned mom's advice, or anyone dealing with the same situation? Thanks!
My youngest was a bit like that at first. He trusted everything in life and was quite happy to wander off into it to explore.
I ended up buying one of those child harness things. When we went out, I'd just put it in my bag and let him know it was "just in case". Once he got the message that I meant it (by having to use it consistently if he didn't keep close) I rarely had to use it and then didn't even need to bring it along.
It's important though when you put it on to let her know that she chose that option herself. That way she'll feel not wearing it by behaving is also her own choice. It's always best if they feel they are in control of at least themselves.
Well if you haven't got the willpower domainance over a amall child, then you can't expect that child to grow up respecting your authority. You know you're too laid back, you identified that yourself, so I guess you know what needs to be done.
However your husband deifnitely isn't helping... and if he can't see or understand why you're upset even after you have explained everything to him, then he's either completely clueless, or is just happy in his "I love daddy" role and doesn't want to appear like a monster. Without his backup on your actions, the daughter will see you as someone whose word doesn't need to be listened to.
Both of you actions dictate the person your daughter grows up to be, if you don't like the way it is then start making an effort to change it... starting with the other half, he has to see that you are seriously and genuinely upset and concerned.
Your kid sounds exactly like my youngest. He is really smart & very strong willed; he also takes his stubborness off his father . He always hated to walk beside me too, has had the most amazing temper tantrums and wants everything on his terms. Now he is four he is not so bad and behaves a lot better. A few things helped; firstly I had to get stricter & when I said a punishment was coming for misbehaving I alwys followed through this way he learned mummy was not so much of a pushover. Secondly I learned to pick my battles with him so we were not always a loggerheads, sometimes I let him away with things if he was not going to kill himself doing it (since he learned to walk he thought he was capable of doing everything his big brother who is 5 years older could do). Lastly he is highly competative so when he won't go where I wanted him to I turned it into a race, he always wants to be the winner whether that is from the car to the house or up the stairs to bed at night.
She laughs because she doesnt think that you are firm enough with her. Even if you think you are, I am guessing that they are mainly empty threats.
You've been a kid before, try to think back to those times when you were rude or defied your parents - what kind of reaction / consequences did you get? For me, it was usually a warning and when I tried pushing the boundaries, a punishment was swiftly dealt out. I soon got the message that mum is not to be trifled with if I wanted to watch Tom and Jerry on telly every evening.
She is just trying to see how much she can get away with - pushing your buttons at the same time. Your child needs to understand consequences of her actions and you just need to be consistent in enforcing the rules or she will not take you seriously (which she isnt at the moment). Set your expectations of her before each outing and tell her that NOT listening to mummy, will either get her being brought back straight into the house or her toys taken away when she gets home. Her choice.
I dont believe that an adult cannot outwit a child who is 22 months old.
One day, when we were at a shopping mall, and kid A wouldn't come (around 2 at the time), and kid B was a wailing baby.. I asked the security guard to go and get her. She stayed with me for a short time after that..
Desperate measures at desperate times....
Now kid C, at around 18 months, has a stronger will than kid A and kid B(!!) There is nothing for it 'cept to pick her up and carry her - she also often wear dungeries so that I can grab the back before she is on the road. She is also very fast(!)
They'll get over it.. but learn from your dogs - if you dont let her know who is boss now, there is another one of these phases at about 4 years old - by then you sometimes cant pick them up anymore, but still have to keep them safe.
1) the child is not strong-willed, you are too laid back - a child will naturally push its boundaries. If your daughter has seen you relax or be laid-back "sometimes", then how does she know that this time you are serious?
= zero tolerance at all times.
It is a real pain in the arse, but you actually have to follow-up on your request/demands every time . After a while, it should get better, but you should be prepared for the long-haul to correct this behaviour. If you take this attitude, i.e. you know you are going to have to work at it, you will - maybe perversely - find it less tiring.
2) The reason that you only see other people with their children with them is that the ones who can't control theirs don't go out
Finally, for additional ideas, Nil, I think, started a thread of dealing with terrible twos and tantrums . There's also another one about parenting styles, but I can't remember who started it.
Don't forget...... you have a massive 'Ace' up your sleeve:
"YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THE KID"
Start to identify what the likes and doesn't like, and start to implement some control measures.
Nobody is going to correct your kid for you. It's time to toughen up a bit and be the boss.... where there is consequence to their actions, they will follow.
Our youngest (2.5 yrs) can now climb out of his cot and over the child gate on his room: result = random wake-up calls through the night as he decides to go for a wander...
We need an electric colar with sensor on the door frame so that he gets a shock when he comes too close "out of hours".
Alternatives, include putting chicken wire over his cot and an electric fence in front of his child gate.
You have to stop this now, or it will be a lot worse when she is older, seems to me she plays nice to Daddy because he his strong willed and she knows she can not get away with it. Tell her when your out and she runs off that you will take her favourite toy away for 1 day and make sure when you get home you do it and DO NOT GIVE IT BACK until the next day however hard she begs and cries this worked for me.
Another tip if she is naughty at home use time out
We went to a toy shop yesterday, first time in months because of a sale... Kids B & C were riding the scooters and trikes and "voicing" their protests when i "asked them kindly to return to the allocated play area".
As some others have said, she needs to learn respect for you now, otherwise she may never ever learn it. It is an important growth period, and as the above poster said, there should be zero tolerance. What happens when it is a much more dangerous situation, ie. climbing a tree, a car speeding out of control, etc. ...you can never be so sure when a situation could drastically change in a matter of seconds.
I have also found that 'ignoring' a fuss also can be very productive. I would hold her hand firmly and have her walk with you, even if she initially balks, hold firm. Continue to ignore any bad behavior, continue on with your route or task. After a few weeks of this, she will get the programme. But really it is better to establish this now while you still can, before a much bigger and stronger child starts to do this, which will indeed be much harder to reign in.
I was raised "old school". I ran off from my mother once while on a walk. She got hold of me and beat the snot out of me gave me a paddy-wack on the botty. Did I already mention I only did it once . I know in this day and age you can't do this to kids but what my mother did indirectly was let me know she was boss and what she said was law.
A child who doesn't have properly constructed boundaries is an unhappy child. A child who can play one parent off against another is an unhappy child. A child who gets there own way most of the time is an unhappy child. A child who is not corrected when they are out of line is an unhappy child.
Children need security. They need you to tell them right from wrong. What's acceptable behaviour and what isn't. They need to understand that bad behaviour has unpleasant consequences.
You are your child's parent. Not her friend. If you want to be her friend when she's an adult, you need to be a parent now.
My wife works and has worked with "difficult" young children. Very often their parents are too lax. She is quite strict. The children adore her. Give your child the security and boundaries she needs - be firm but fair - and she may even remain on good terms with you when she reaches 13.
Be prepared for a stormy week or so, but after that you'll see the benefts. It really is worth it.
Good point. Can I just add that the parents have to be one unit singing one tune. Mummy says NO doesnt mean you can go to Daddy on the side and get what you want. Or mummy steps in whilst Daddy is disciplining the child, saying that he is too harsh. No no no.
There are many occasions when I've see couples disagree on parenting methods and the children exploit that.
I would not suggest making a threat that you can not carry out until you get home (for example taking away a toy for a day). Consequences at age 2 need to be fairly immediate to work well.
I would also not suggest cutting your dogs' walk short and returning home. If you do, she is the one controlling your behavior, not the other way around.
How about a Zewi Decke? Basically, its a stretchy, fitted sheet with a vest attached. Its not for every child but my son used to love it when we zip him in every night plus it keeps him nice and warm.